


Story of Another Us

by septiceyesweetheart



Category: jacksepticeye, markiplier - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/M, Other, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Platonic Relationships, Platonic Soulmates, Romantic Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-10-16 03:13:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 31,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10562535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/septiceyesweetheart/pseuds/septiceyesweetheart
Summary: Bella Santiago is nervous by default. She’s a bit of a mess, honestly. Mentally, emotionally, and physically, she’s all over the place. Between battling with anxiety disorder, recovering from her past meltdowns, running her YouTube channel, and commuting between three different locations, she finds that she’s spreading herself thin. She’s slowly grown accustomed to living with her boyfriend, Mark, during the week along with his two other roommates (who also make her nervous), while she attends the widely known YouTube University. Just before the very last semester can start, Mark brings in another friend of his, Jack, who would be attending uni with her. To Bella, this is just another person she has to fear and then slowly get used to. She’s just not good with people.





	1. Week 1, Part 1

“Are you gonna be okay with him?” Mark asked me. “I can tell him that you already left, and I’ll just drop him off.”

 

It was very tempting, the butterflies in my stomach and mild tightening in my chest relaxed at the thought of going to uni alone. But the doctor’s orders were to try something different and push my limits. Mark trusts him, and I trust Mark. Plus, I do have classes with the guy, and we’ll be sleeping in the same house. So I can’t exactly avoid him.

 

“I’ll be fine,” I responded. “I’ll take him.”

 

Mark smiled. “Good. Come on.”

 

I already spent the weekend being avoidant. Jack arrived on Saturday, Mark had invited me over so we could properly meet, but I made an “up all night editing my video” excuse. Then I spent yesterday “packing” so I could come here the next day. Which is today. So now I have no choice, really.

 

Mark had his arm around my waist as he walked me downstairs. I was still incredibly nervous. I was always nervous with new people, especially people my boyfriend valued. You could say I was dreading this day. It’s not that I didn’t want to meet Jack, but because I’m always afraid of having a panic attack and ruining everything. I didn’t want his first impression of me to be a bad one. It would just ruin the next coming weeks.

 

“Jack!” Mark called as we entered the living room downstairs.

 

Ah shit, it’s happening.

 

I didn’t even make eye contact upon introductions. Well, I looked at him once when I shook his hand, but then my eyes were anywhere but his face. It was awkward, to say the least, because I know he looks people directly in the eyes literally all of the time.

 

“Nice to meet you, Bella!” he told me. “Mark’s told me a lot about you!”

 

“Yeah, he’s told me a lot about you,” I replied, trying to sound normal.

 

“You guys are going to be best friends!” Mark said sarcastically, but he was probably being serious. Meaning, he wanted me to make more friends this semester. Especially since he dropped out, leaving me on my own on that big, scary campus.

 

He was kind enough to walk us out to my car. Once Jack was in the passenger seat, Mark asked if I was okay again. When I said yes, he kissed me goodbye. I was kind of sad he wasn’t attending YouTube University anymore. I know he had his reasons, but going with him or at least going alone was better than going with someone I didn’t know. As soon as I was in the car, I let that sink in.

 

_ Mark trusts him, and I trust Mark. _

 

“Ready?” I asked.

 

“Wait!” Jack held up on finger, and remained silent for a few seconds. “Okay, now I’m ready!”

 

Oh god, please don’t be overwhelming.

 

“Okay, well we’re listening to One Direction on the way,” I warned him. “So this is your last chance to tuck and roll.”

 

That made him laugh. “I don’t mind One Direction. Listen to whatever you want, you’re the one driving!”

 

Better than a stiff “Oh… okay.” It’s not that weird to be 23 years old and still love One Direction, right?

 

The only sound for the first few minutes of the ride was the music playing. I didn’t have the volume up because I didn’t want to annoy him. Then again, I didn’t know what to say to fill the other silence. And then he pointed it out.

 

“You really have a lot to say, don’t you?” It didn’t sound like he was making fun of me, but I still felt embarrassed.

 

“Sorry,” I said. “I never shut up.”

 

“Mark told me you were really funny and talkative, he didn’t say you were shy.”

 

“Yeah.” I took a deep breath. “I’m horrifically shy with new people. I have to get comfortable with someone before I can playfully annoy them. Any other time, I just assume people don’t wanna talk to me.”

 

Jack aww’d. “That’s really sad! Don’t think like that!”

 

_ Mijo, _ it is not that easy.

 

“Since we’re going to be around each other a lot, I don’t want you to think that I don’t like you or that I don’t want to talk to you,” he continued. “I love talking to people! It would be nice if we could be friends, or get along at least.”

 

“Well yeah, I agree,” I said. “It’s just… social anxiety makes everything hard.” Even more difficult with energetic and extroverted people like Jack. I get overwhelmed a lot quicker, but I couldn’t tell him that. “You’ll see once we’re in class.”

 

He nodded. “You have social anxiety?”

 

“Well, anxiety disorder.”

 

The silence returned. Leave it to me and my illness to make everything uncomfortable and awkward. Now his first impression of me is a quiet, rude, mentally ill girl who probably can’t function on her own. Not that he would be wrong.

 

“Sorry, I probably made that really weird,” I said without thinking. “I… sorry.”

 

“Oh no, you didn’t do anything!” Jack quickly reassured. “I mean, I don’t know what that’s like, to have anxiety disorder.”

 

“Lucky you.” Oh my god, shut up Bella.

 

“I mean, I played an anxiety attack simulator once, but I don’t know if it’s anything like the real thing,” he added.

 

I suddenly hit the brakes on my car, nearly crashing into the vehicle in front of us. I hated LA traffic with a fiery passion.

 

“Shit, sorry!” I frantically apologized, my heart racing. “God, I didn’t wanna kill us on the first day of school!”

 

“It's okay, it definitely woke me up!” Jack replied, not sounding nearly as startled as I felt.

 

God, I'm stupid.

 

The rest of the trip was silent. Once I pulled into the YouTube University parking lot, Jack perked up in his seat, looking at the main office building with wide eyes.

 

“Whoa! It's so fucking beautiful!” he exclaimed.

 

“I know right? I can't believe it's shutting down,” I said solemnly.

 

Unlike other first days I’ve had at uni, it took no time at all to find a parking space. Since this is the very last semester, a lot of students decided not to return, mainly all of the international students. It was a shock when I found out that this place was going to close, and an even bigger shock to the Internet. That storm went on for days. So many aspiring youtubers wouldn't get the chance to come here now…

 

“I just don't understand why it's closing,” Jack wondered. “It was doing great in the last year.”

 

“I know,” I agreed. “I heard that all universities need to have a sport to represent them, and this one doesn't because we're not that kind of campus. I mean, we had the dance team, and they were pretty good.”

 

“Didn't they break up?”

 

I shrugged. “No idea. They've been quiet since their show in December.”

 

I finally found a vacant spot and parked there. “Do you need a guide around campus?” Please say no.

 

“Yeah, if you don't mind.”

 

_ Fuck! _

 

I checked the time on my phone. “Okay, I'll show you the essentials on the way to class.”

 

Even if I didn't want to be around him due to stranger anxiety, I still shared two of four classes with him. If he didn't know anybody else, there would be a chance he would stick with me. Then again, he seems like a people person, so he'll have the last of the student body in the palm of his hands in no time.

 

“Aren't you cold?” I asked him as we approached the entrance to the grand university.

 

“Not at all! It's so warm here!” he replied. “I love it!”

 

I pulled the sleeves of my sweater over my hands, sheepish.

 

The campus was lacking a lot of people compared to the past. The four tables set up in front of the fountain weren't there anymore for schedule handouts. There wasn't a swarm of people running here and there. The dorm buildings looked abandoned. It was like a typical day in the middle of the semester. It was a bit of downer, really.

 

Jack, on the other hand, looked like a kid on Christmas. He stopped in his tracks, mouth agape, taking in all of his surroundings. The fountain, the buildings, the general scenery.

 

“Fuck, I wish I had come here sooner,” he said at last.

 

From there I began to explain how the beginning of the semester would normally go. The crowds of people, the buses filled with international students, the lines for the elevators in the dorms, the overcrowded main office.

 

“But it'll be a lot easier to get around since there's a lot less people,” I added. “Those buildings opposite each other, those are the dormitories. I don't think they're in use anymore, anybody who's attending now are probably commuting like we are.

 

“The classrooms are behind the fountain, the library... I actually forgot where that is, because I order all my books online. There's a cafeteria somewhere…”

 

“Somewhere over yonder,” Jack played along.

 

“Yeah exactly.” Shut up Bella. Stop blushing, Bella! Goddammit Bella!

 

I led him to our first class, human sexuality. The classroom was nearly empty when we showed up, and I didn't see anybody I knew. I mean, I didn't really have any close YouTube friends to begin with. The only close friends I had were back home in Palm Springs, and I was not good at making new friends.

 

“You mind if I sit with you?” Jack asked me. “Or, do you have friends here?”

 

“No, yeah sit with me,” I replied. Might as well. We're practically roommates. Better him than a complete stranger. Not that he wasn’t, it’s just like I said: roommates.

 

We picked a two person table on the left side of the room. I sat closest to the wall, I always preferred that. Less exposure to people. One day I'll be brave enough to sit in the front of the room, or the middle.

 

“So why did you want to take human sexuality?” Jack asked, probably to avoid more awkward silence.

 

“I've been taking psychology classes since I started here,” I told him. “And I figured since sex education sucks in this country, this class would be really easy. What about you?”

 

“There weren't any other more interesting elective classes.”

 

We both turned our heads when the door opened. Another student entered the room, and it was someone I actually knew. She smiled when she saw me, and hurried to the empty table in front of me and jack.

 

“Hi Sophie,” I greeted.

 

“Hey! I'm so glad you're here!” she replied, pushing her short blonde hair to one side. “Aria was supposed to come here with me, but she decided to ditch last minute.”

 

“Aria?” I asked.

 

“Yeah, my best friend? In my videos a lot? Captain of the dance team?” Sophie must have talked about her before, but the last thing she said rang a bell.

 

Small girl who is also from my hometown. Dancer. Probably dated some big YouTuber that got her career going. Not that that’s a bad thing, I just hadn’t heard of her until she got associated with Dan and Phil.

 

“Oh right! Why didn't she come?” I asked.

 

“She hasn't been herself.” Sophie rolled her eyes. “I keep telling her and telling her, but she doesn't want to listen.”

 

She is always vague so people can keep talking to her. However, I never liked to give her the satisfaction.

 

“Hi, I'm Jack!” spoke up the guy next to me. It was so sudden, I nearly jumped.

 

“I'm Sophie, nice to meet you!” greeted the blonde in a similar energetic fashion.

 

And they both got talking. Two extroverts and one introvert. I already kind of knew Sophie, having had classes with her in the past. But  _ Jack.  _ It was interesting to see how easily he could get along with other people and make them like him.

 

It's not that I, in particular, didn't like him. I didn't know him all that much. Typically, energetic people overwhelm me a lot quicker. People who actually want to talk to me overwhelm me also. Why would someone want to talk to someone like me? I couldn’t handle people. Or pressure. Or stress. Or intimacy. Lord knows how Mark got through to me.

 

Jack had Sophie giggling in seconds. Then she was asking him what other classes he had and then they were comparing schedules. He was bound to ditch me for Sophie by next class. Honestly, I wouldn't be too bothered by that. At least she can keep up with him.

 

Finally, the professor entered the classroom. She silenced the chatter and began the lesson.

 

~

 

If I said a single person has never made me so exhausted before, I would be lying. But it didn't make anything easier. I was dragging my feet when Jack and I got back to Mark's house. Of course, he, Matt, and Ryan were home and being loud and happy and everything I was not. Naturally Jack joined them in whatever it was they were doing. I, however, snuck away upstairs to Mark's bedroom.

  
I was glad I was comfortable here. I could feel myself calming down as soon as I lied down on the bed. I did have my own place, but it was too far from the university, so Mark was kind enough to let me stay at his house during the week. I would go back to my own apartment on Friday, and for once, I was looking forward to it.


	2. Week 1, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It costs too much to think of you."

“Sorry, let me get my mess out of the way,” I said, hastily moving my makeup products off the bathroom counter.

 

One downside to sharing a house with four guys - I was always the one with the mess. I was the one always hogging the bathroom. I was the one doing x thing they didn't like. As if they didn't leave their underwear in the shower, or leave me to wash the dishes. As if they (apart from Jack) didn't try facial masks with me one time and then post it on Twitter. At least Mark was understanding, mainly because he's my boyfriend. He still teases me for liking makeup, and I tease him for being a nerd.

 

I shoved all my products back into their bag and zipped it shut. I took that and my cup full of brushes with me. “It's all yours,” I told Jack, who was patiently waiting outside the doorway.

 

“Thanks!” he said as I quickly walked away from him.

 

Normally I would have used Mark's en suite bathroom, but he was using it. I should have stuck with sitting by the window. I was barely accustomed to living with/around Matt and Ryan, and now having Jack here sort of brought me back to square one. It's not like he said or did anything, I was just dumb and overanalyzing everything. Only two days had gone by of driving with him back and forth to school, and practically living with him, and I was done. I was hoping to at least get used to the whole thing, but I felt like Jack was thinking I was rude and reluctant. I just didn’t know what to say to the guy. It was hard to be on his level of enthusiasm. Either he’s too happy or I’m just really depressed.

 

I was finishing up my makeup when Mark came out of the bathroom, wearing nothing but a towel. Normally, I would blush and avoid eye contact, but eyeliner knows no distractions.

 

“Was the other bathroom taken from you?” he asked.

 

“Yes,” I said softly, trying hard not to break my focus on my liner until, “Fuck!”

 

“So how's school going?” Mark asked as if I had said nothing at all. “Have you made any new friends?”

 

“Besides Jack? No.”

 

“So you guys are friends now?” He sounded hopeful.

 

“I don’t know, I guess. He’s nice to be around and things…” I wasn’t even hearing myself because I was so focused on my makeup, which says a lot about me. And my life.

 

“But does he make you uncomfortable?”

 

I put down my mascara and turned my head to Mark, who was getting dressed. I got the feeling something was going on. Or I was just really paranoid. Probably that.

 

“I just want to make sure you’re okay,” he elaborated. “I don’t know how much your anxiety affects you.”

 

“I’m always anxious,” I replied, going back to what I was doing. “I mean, I’m fine with Jack, I suppose, but that doesn’t stop my hands from shaking. I still get anxious around you, you know.”

 

“But  _ why?” _

 

That’s what would always worry me. Mark had some trouble understanding my disorder. I mean, I did too, I was only diagnosed in September and I still had a long way to go. The only person it’s more frustrating for than Mark is me. I was lucky I had him to help me through it, but he still had to understand that some things went without explanation. And even  _ that’s  _ hard to explain.

 

“I don’t know, it just happens.” I shrugged.

 

Mark hesitated. “Right, sorry.”

 

“Anyway, I’m fine with Jack.”

 

“Maybe he’ll get rid of your shyness.”

 

I chuckled.  _ Only if he doesn’t overwhelm me like he is now. _

 

I nearly jumped when Mark came up behind me and wrapped his strong arms around me. I relaxed rather quickly, though. I loved his embrace. Especially since he was still shirtless.

 

“I’m proud of you for doing this,” he said sincerely. “I don’t know how hard it is for you, but I’m proud.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

He tries, though, and that’s enough for me.

 

~

 

I went through the week in a blur. Needless to say, Jack’s positive, loud personality was still a bit overwhelming. So overwhelming, I shut down when I was around him. One word responses to his anecdotes, doing the motions of driving with him to campus and being in class with him, and then when we got home, I would shut myself away in Mark’s room. I only got away with that because I would make the excuse that I had Instagram posts to make or a video to edit.

Come Friday afternoon, I was eager to go back to my own apartment. I was really looking forward to proper alone time in the comfort of my little cozy place. Typically, Mark would come with me and stay for the weekend, but he claimed he had to catch up with his upload schedule and other work things. I knew that wasn’t a lie because he was posting videos later than usual these days, and his audience were getting antsy.

 

I never understood how he could upload two videos every single day. I could barely handle doing one a week. Which I still had to film when I got home. I didn’t even know what to film yet.

 

Once I had all my items packed in my giant tote bags, I went to find Mark to say goodbye. Of course, I found him on the couch with Chica. Definitely catching up with his schedule.

 

“I’m going home,” I announced, making my presence known.

 

He turned to me, staying seated, scratching his dog’s head. “Oh?”

 

“And I work tomorrow, so if you wanna visit me…” I trailed off, smiling.

 

Mark didn’t say anything, he just opened up his free arm, inviting me sit with him. I walked around the couch and plopped down next to him. He held me close; I lied my head on his chest. The way my body was positioned was a little awkward but I didn’t mind. I was expecting him to say something, but it was silent.

 

“Are you gonna sing?” he finally asked, referring to me filming later on.

 

“Maybe,” I replied. “But I haven't done a makeup tutorial in a while.”

 

“You should sing.”

 

I rolled my eyes even though I was smiling. “Maybe.”

 

“And call me if you need anything.” He was talking about my anxiety. That was always the elephant in the room.

 

I still wasn't used to telling someone when I'm about to have a panic attack. More often than not, I wouldn't go to him whenever it happened. I got the feeling that he thought I was better than I actually was. But that was my own fault. What can you do?

 

“I will,” I said, shifting so I could get up.

 

“Bella.” Mark’s tone was serious all of a sudden. “Promise me.”

 

“I promise.” I didn't look at him. I only said it so this conversation could be over.

 

“Okay. And one more thing…”

 

~

 

“So, this is the spare room,” I said opening the door to the thankfully clean and furnished bedroom. Where Jack was going to be sleeping on the weekends. “It used to be my roommate’s but he moved out. There's clean sheets in this closet -” I gestured to the cabinet just outside the room. “And, uh, you can help yourself to anything in the fridge.”

 

“Thank you,” Jack said, stepping into the room. “I'm sorry I barged into your home like this.”

 

“It's okay.” _No it's not._ “It's been getting lonely here anyway.” _This is my sanctuary and you're invading it._ “Anyway, the PC is in the living room, you can do whatever you please with the space. Literally anything, like, go nuts.” He was also going to film his videos here once the ones he prepared in advance were published.

 

He nodded. “Okay. Thank you, again. I know you probably weren't expecting me to come home with you.”

 

“It's okay, I promise.” Mentirosa. “It'll be nice having a roommate again.” _Leave me alone._ “Sorry for…” I motioned my hands around myself. “...being awkward.”

 

“You're not awkward!” Jack reassured. “I really hope I'm not making you uncomfortable, being here and all.”

 

I don't want to be a burden to him by saying my brain tricks me into thinking he actually hates me. I mean, I already briefly disclosed my anxiety issue. I didn't want to bring it up again and make things worse. I couldn’t tell him that I didn’t particularly want him here.

 

“No, no, you're fine,” I told him. “If you need me, I'll be filming in my room.”

 

And I'll probably stay there for the whole damn weekend.

 

I sent out a tweet as soon as I was alone. I announced that I was going to film a makeup tutorial and asked what look I should do. If I had come home alone, I would have sang like Mark had suggested, but I did not want Jack hearing me anytime soon. I stayed quiet and scrolled through my mentions; it was always soothing. It was so much easier for me to talk to people through text rather than in person or via phone call. It was easier to get my words together and I wasn't so quiet.

 

While I waited for responses to my tweet, I began to set up for my video. I only had one light and a semi decent camera. I had been trying to save up for a new one but, college tuition. I had to pick up a weekend job to pay for everything.

 

Once I was set up, I went to unpack my makeup from my bag, and then grabbed other things from the bathroom. Thankfully mine was en suite, otherwise I probably wouldn't have filmed anything for the weekend. Another thing I really needed was my own vanity. I didn't have enough space or money for that, so I had to make do with the bathroom, and occasionally, my bedroom light.

 

My room was taken up mostly by my large bed and dresser. You could say I underestimated the size of these things when I purchased them. I also had a sliding door to the “yard” which was just the grassy area in view of the other apartments. The sun always shone through every morning, so I had to invest in some thick curtains. For someone who needs natural light in order to decently put on makeup, I really hated the sun. I also had a keyboard in the corner of the room, mainly for when I would post covers on my channel. I really enjoyed singing, but not the way I loved doing makeup.

 

Once I was completely set up, I went back to Twitter. Lots of people asked about me and Mark, as usual. It's what I get for making my relationship public. Other people were sending me pictures I posted on Instagram. I looked for the most common one in all of my mentions and then decided.

 

“Hello, it's Bella, welcome back to my channel,” I greeted to the camera. “I asked you guys what look you wanted to see me create since I've been posting a lot on Instagram lately, and a lot of you asked for this look.” I gestured to the space next to me, making a note to add the picture later. “It's like… pretty, pastel colors and an equally pastel lip. I know that's typically for spring -” I rolled my eyes. “- but I felt like using pastel in the winter. Fight me.”

 

I always sounded like I was irritated in my videos. That was just the voice that came out due to nerves because I knew loads of people would be watching. Five hundred thousand to be exact. I always tried to make an explanation, but not everyone understood.

 

“So just… rid your face of natural color and dimension,” I explained after stating what foundation I was using. “It's winter still, we can look as pale as we want.” I buffed the product into my face with a brush until I was happy with it. “Once you got that shit on, slap on your concealer.”

 

I read out the label or my next product before applying it under my eyes, the bridge of my nose and over all of my acne scars. “This is where we look like we get a normal amount of sleep, or like you weren't crying ten minutes prior.” I laughed sarcastically. “I am so sad.”

 

I typically made comments like that. It was becoming a trend with me. Ironically, if I didn't make self-depricating jokes, people thought something was wrong.

 

“So, I'm gonna let that settle for a bit and do my eyebrows,” I continued. “Someone commented on Instagram that my brows are too big on my face, so I'm just going to create huge fucking caterpillars.”

 

And that's basically what happened through the whole video. Joking about hiding your feelings, resisting jabbing yourself in the eye with your brush “even though you really fucking want to.”

 

“Just blend the absolute shit out of those edges,” I advised, running a small fluffy brush over the crease of my eye. “It's okay if you mess up, no one is perfect. What's not okay is when you fuck up your eyeliner after working so fucking hard on your shadow. Speak of the devil…” I grabbed my ink liner and held it up. “We're in this together guys.”

 

Luckily, I made it through without any issues. Wish I could say that about my life. I finished the rest of my face with less self deprecating comments.

 

“And we are done!” I announced. “I should mention that I am joking when I say the things that I do during these videos. I feel like I say that a lot, but there's always new people watching, and that's okay. That's just my sense of humor.” I shrugged. “Anyway, thanks for watching, I love you, be good. Give this video a thumbs up if you liked it, subscribe if you want and I'll see you next time. Bye!”

 

Now I was definitely staying in my room all weekend. Jack was on the other side of my door and I did not want to hear him say anything about the way I act on camera. I thought keeping my door closed would and remaining quiet would say that I wanted to be left alone, but no. He knocked a few minutes later.

 

“It's open,” I said, bracing myself for the worst. 

 

His head peered inside. “You’re done recording?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Okay. I like your style, by the way. Really funny.”

  
“Thanks.” I felt my face heat up. Why did that always happen?


	3. Week 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm hanging by a thread."

“How have you been?” asked my therapist, Helena. “Has anything happened since the last time we saw each other?”

 

I recounted the last week and a half. School starting, commuting between uni, my boyfriend’s house and my house. Trying to avoid the green man living at my house.

 

“And how have you been coping with it?”

 

_ Mentally shutting down. _

 

“My boyfriend’s dog is very comforting,” I said, which wasn’t a lie at all.

 

Helena took notes, scribbling on her clipboard. “That’s interesting. Why do you think dogs are so comforting?”

 

“They don’t judge you. They still love you, even when you’re a giant mess,” I explained. “I don’t know how my boyfriend feels about having to constantly reassure me and help me through panic attacks. It must be exhausting for him. But his dog just sits with me until I feel better.”

 

“You know Bella, I’m sure your boyfriend loves you no matter what. The fact that he’s come to these sessions with you says that,” Helena reassured. “Why didn’t he come today, iIf I may ask?”

 

“Oh, he’s just working.”

 

“YouTube work?” Helena knew all about our jobs as YouTubers, it was partly the reason why I would see her every week.

 

“Yeah, he’s behind schedule,” I said.

  
“Oh, does that affect your relationship in any way?”

 

“Yeah, I mean…” I shrugged out of habit. “It’s harder to see each other or spend time together because we’re both so busy with filming and I have school and a job on the side. I mean, we do see each other because I stay with him during the week, but y’know… still busy.”

 

Helena kept writing on her clipboard. “So you’re both very occupied during the day, and the relationship is still happy and satisfying?”

 

“Of course! We always find a way.”

 

“Well that’s good! It’s a sign of a healthy relationship. Anything else happen this last week?”

 

Jack came to mind. I wasn’t sure what to say about him, but it just began to spill out.

 

“My boyfriend’s friend, also a YouTuber, is staying here for the semester. Like, he’s going back and forth between Mark’s house, my house, and uni, like I am. And he’s nice, he seems to mean well, but I’m a little overwhelmed,” I admitted.

 

“What’s this friend’s name?”

 

“Jack.”

 

“Why do you think you’re overwhelmed by Jack?”

 

“He’s an extrovert, he’s very talkative and loud and energetic. He’s staying in my house on weekends.” It sounded really stupid and rude when I said it out loud.

 

“You’ve told me that you don’t like meeting people, correct? Does Mark know that?”

 

“Yeah, he keeps asking if I’m okay and if Jack makes me uncomfortable.”

 

“He hasn’t caused you any harm or threatened you, has he?”

 

I shook my head. “No, not at all. He’s actually… really, really sweet.” I felt like such an asshole.

 

“Why do you think you feel this way? Is it because you’re introverted?”

 

_ It’s because of anxiety disorder, the thing you diagnosed me with. Stay with me, Helena. _

 

“I don’t know, it just happens,” I said. “It happens with everyone I meet.”

 

“You think new situations are scary?” she guessed.

 

That makes me sound really childish. Granted, I wasn’t really giving her much to work with. I usually spoke more when Mark was here.

 

“Well, look at it as if your mind and body are protecting you. You don’t know a lot about Jack, right? So, in away, you’re bracing yourself in case he steps out of line?”

 

“I guess. That seems to make sense.” Do I actually feel that? Who knows? Not me!

 

I didn’t feel any better after the session. I was practically complaining about poor old me and my living situation. Poor me with a college education. Poor me with a nice boyfriend who lets me stay in his house.

 

The ache in my chest was getting harder to ignore once I was driving home. I thought talking it out was supposed to help. I thought I would have felt better after therapy. I had to pull over in a Walmart parking lot so I could pull myself together.

 

I rubbed my hands together, only to feel really… strange. I was extremely aware of my hands. I kept looking out the window, paranoid that I was being watched. I kept checking the gear shift to make sure I was still in park. I wanted to cry. I felt like I was losing myself, like I was going to die.

 

And then my breathing went short, confirming my fears. I was dying. My short twenty three years were ending.

 

I felt small and trapped. I felt cold, but I was sweating buckets. I was too scared to get out of the car in case anyone saw me being a complete trainwreck. I could hear myself wheezing but it didn’t feel real.

 

My phone buzzed, making me jump and cry even more. I grabbed it, my hands shaking and still very  _ there  _ and tried to speak. I only retched and coughed.

 

“Are you dying?” It was  _ Jack.  _ Of all fucking people. He sounded amused until he heard me sobbing. “Bella, are you okay?”

 

“Mark…” I managed to get out.

 

I heard some commotion on the other line. I cried some more.

 

“Bella? What’s wrong? Where are you?” my boyfriend sounded calm, but concerned.

 

“I’m d-dying…” I cried.

 

“Are you hurt?” he asked me.

 

“I-I’m… panic.. Help…”

 

“Okay, Bella,” Mark said, “listen to me. I know it’s scary, but you’re in a safe place. Can you tell me where you are?”

 

I tried to listen to him. I tried to focus on where I was before death came for me. “Walmart…”

 

“Okay, good. Me and Ryan are going to come and get you. Okay? You’re going to be just fine. Bella?”

 

I hummed.

 

“Can you breathe for me? Take one deep breath.”

 

I tried. In through my nose, out through my mouth. I was still hyperventilating and shaking. I was still dizzy.

 

“Can you do it again?” he asked gently. “You’re doing good. We’re on our way there. You’re going to be okay.”

 

~

 

Mark drove me back to my apartment once I was calm enough. I preferred to be in my own home after a panic attack mainly because I didn’t want to face anybody at Mark’s house. It was too embarrassing. Being around other people would just bring my anxiety back up again, and home was my sanctuary.

 

“Do you know what set you off?” asked Mark as we entered the small vicinity.

 

“Nope,” I replied, immediately going to my bedroom.

 

Naturally, Mark followed me. “What, it just happened out of nowhere?”

 

“Well, that’s how it usually is,” I said, indifferent. “I’m sorry you had to deal with all of that.”

 

“No, don’t do that,” Mark firmly said. “You don’t have to apologize for anything. It’s not your fault this happens.”

 

I sighed, plopping down onto my unmade bed. “Still, you don’t deserve to put up with me like this all the time.” It’s also frustrating when he asks  _ why.  _ Honey, I wish I knew.

 

“Hey, I am more than happy to help you get through it,” he reassured. “And I’m glad that you trust me. I know you’re not choosing to have anxiety. I just want you to know that I’m here for you when you need me. Don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed when you need help. I’m happy to help, and Ryan was too when I asked him to come with me. The boys are all worried about you.”

 

I couldn’t help the eyeroll. “You’re just saying that.”

 

“No, I’m serious. You should have seen Jack’s face when he realized you weren’t okay.”

 

“I don’t want people worrying!” I finally snapped. “I don’t want his pity, I don’t want anyone’s pity!”

 

“It’s not pity! They actually care about you! They don’t want you to suffer like this, and neither do I! Why do you get so upset when someone cares about you?”

 

I couldn’t look him in the eyes. Here he was, trying to make me feel better, and I was just shitting on it.

 

It’s not that I was upset. It was just hard to process the fact that someone is willing to be around me, or even be willing to date me even though I’m like this. I felt like I was too sick and too unstable. But I couldn’t tell Mark because I would get another “why” and I was too tired for that.

 

I wouldn’t blame him if he left me, but at the same time I didn’t want him to leave me. And I really couldn’t tell him that because it was all sorts of manipulative. There were a lot of things I couldn’t tell him because of manipulation. I was so toxic, I really didn’t understand why he wanted to be near me.

 

“Do you want me to leave you alone?” I knew he wasn’t asking out of spite or annoyance, deep down. Very deep down.

 

I shook my head.

 

“Okay. I’ll be here.”

 

~

 

Mark spent the night, even though it meant he couldn’t record and upload his first video of the day on time. I tried not to feel guilty. He recorded at my house, but he had to edit with Matt at his, and I was a heavy sleeper. He said he didn’t want to wake me up since I had a hard time yesterday. Meaning, we were back at his house around the time Jack and I were supposed to go to campus. About twenty minutes before Mark’s second video was supposed to go up. Oops.

 

Besides that, I was expecting the awkward, “elephant-in-the-room” silence when Jack came out to join me in the car. He was the one who found me in my distress. I didn’t mind silence, typically. It wouldn’t be the first time I was the cause of awkward silence.

 

“Morning!” he cheerily greeted as he took Mark’s place in the passenger seat.

 

“You kids be good now!” Mark called as he walked to the front door.

 

“Bye, Daddy! I love you!” Jack returned.

 

“Oh my god,” I chuckled under my breath.

 

“How are you, Bella?” Jack asked me, clearly in high spirits. Surely he wasn’t speaking mentally, or following my panic attack from yesterday. He was just being polite. Right?

 

“I’m good,” I replied. But my stupid ass still said, “Sorry you had to hear me over the phone like that yesterday.”

 

He waved it off. “Don’t be sorry. I did get a little worried, but Mark said you were okay. And you look and sound okay.”

 

“Yeah, well, he stayed with me, so it was all good.” As long as I remained indifferent, I wouldn’t feel guilty.

 

The silence I was originally expecting happened only for a few seconds. Jack could never stay quiet.

 

“Can I ask you something about your anxiety?”

 

“Sure.” I felt my stomach sink.

 

“Does it happen, your panic attacks and such, does it happen randomly or do you get triggered?” he asked, sounding genuinely curious.

 

“Both,” I replied. “Like the one from yesterday was unexpected. But there’s also certain things I can’t do because it will make my anxiety spike.”

 

“Things like what? Or is that too personal?” He sounded a lot more sincere now. Maybe that’s why it was so easy to tell him.

 

“Well,” I began. “I can’t go to parties, unless I’m already intoxicated, and I don’t really drink much to begin with. I can’t go to stores where I know the employees go up to customers and talk to them. Can’t make phone calls. Oh, and so help me god if I find a bug anywhere in my house. And scary movies. Well, actually anything horror I can’t handle.”

 

Jack nodded, listening intently. “That must be really hard to live your life around that. Wait, so if you don’t do horror, does that mean you don’t like Halloween?”

 

“Unfortunately, no.” That was one thing I got laughed at for, but so far he was taking it seriously.

 

“Oh, well that sucks. Does Mark know all of your triggers?”

 

“Yeah, he’s pretty good at keeping those things away from me and helping me through my attacks. Way better than the last person I dated.”

 

“Did you ex-boyfriend know about your anxiety?”

 

Here we go. The moment that will determine if I really can be friends with this guy.

 

“Ex-girlfriend,” I corrected. “She knew, but there were a lot of things going on that tied in with my anxiety. She didn’t really know how to handle me. Can’t say I blame her.”

 

“Well, still,” Jack said. “If she knew you were in distress, wouldn’t she try to help you?”

 

“You’d think,” I replied. “But things were just as hard for her. She hadn’t come out yet, and her family was honestly the most homophobic group of people I had ever met. It was hard, they would get suspicious. I had to break up with her.”

 

“That must’ve been hard... “

 

“Oh, it was. And after we had broken up too. It was really hard. But I found Mark some time later and things got better. He makes me really happy.”

 

“I can tell.” There was a pause. “You make him really happy too.”

 

I smiled, yet I found it hard to believe. “Really?”

 

“Yeah, he’s so much happier! I remember him telling me over Skype when you guys first started dating. He was really giddy! I think you changed him.”

 

“Really?” My voice went up and octave.

 

“Yes! He’s absolutely crazy about you!”

 

Oh god, don’t squeal like a little girl. Don’t giggle like an idiot. Stop blushing!

 

“You really like him, don’t you?” Jack said, seeing the look on my face.

 

I nodded, my face red and my heart fluttering.

 

~

 

“Why do I need a physical education class?” whined Jack. “The place is closing anyway!”

 

“They’re probably trying to suck as much money out of us as possible,” I replied. “On the bright side, you get to deal with me for another whole hour and fifteen minutes!”

 

More like I was dealing with him. Not going to lie though, it would be interesting to see if Jack could stay quiet in a yoga class. Yes, Jack, of all people, was going to take yoga with me. It was only because all the other classes were either canceled or full, and he had no other choice. So now it was three out of four classes I had with him. 

 

“I don’t even have a mat or anything!” he said as we approached the multipurpose room.

 

“There’s some you could borrow,” I told him. “It’s actually really fun once you get used to it.”

 

“We could do the yoga challenge!” he joked.

 

“Actually, that’s not a bad idea,” I told him. “We should do it once we’re good enough.”

 

“Or we could do it while we suck because it’ll be funnier.”

 

We made it to the MPR. The instructor was already there, along with other new classmates. Jack went to her to make sure he was added to the class roster. I unrolled my mat in a spot in the back of the room, and then I removed my shoes and put them by the wall behind me. Not long after, I saw Jack with his own borrowed mat, unrolling it directly in front of the mirrors. He looked back at me, gesturing for me to join him. I actually debated it, but then a really short girl with dark brown and blonde hair took the space next to him.

 

I only watched her because I recognized her. She unrolled her mat and then went to the back of the room to drop her backpack and take off her shoes. She didn’t even notice me staring. It was the captain of the dance team. The girl with the dance solo that broke my gay little heart. In all honesty, she looked downright angry, like she didn’t want to be here.

  
Of course, when she took her place at the front of the room, Jack talked to her. I couldn’t hear what he was saying to her, but I could see her expression through the mirror. She was not interested in anything he had to say. She probably would have snapped on him if the instructor hadn’t brought the class to order.


	4. Week 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "A wasted heart that just eclipses."

“Good morning,” I greeted to my phone camera. I was still in bed, my hair was in a bun, and my face was naked, vacant of any makeup. “So I may have forgotten to post a video on Friday, so I’m just going to vlog today’s adventures.” By “forgotten,” I mean that anxiety took its toll and robbed me of my motivation, but I didn’t like admitting that without going off on many tangents.

 

I had done daily vlogs before. Lots of people liked them for some reason. Domesticity is apparently very popular. Also, some people only watched my daily vlogs in the hopes that Mark would pop up, or, at this point in time, maybe even Jack.

 

“Literally, all I have today is class, and I’m going to be taking a small Irish man with me,” I explained as I sat up. “I might even drag him to Sephora with me after. I do need to restock on some things, so we’ll see.”

 

I stopped recording and sighed. Now I’ve practically given away that I was going to be with Jack. Would he even want to be in my vlog? I should have thought about this before. I didn’t just want to throw a camera into his face. He’s said before he doesn’t like people doing that… Maybe I should just not make any video at all?

 

I thought about it as I got out of bed. I also noticed that the house was oddly quiet. Mark, Matt and Ryan must have been out of the house. As for Jack… he must have been gone too, that is if he decided to ditch class today. Maybe now I could have some time alone. I felt like I hadn’t properly recharged in a really long time.

 

Despite that I’ve made the opposite known, I decided to look like I had my shit together. It took about an hour to get myself ready, having decided to do something with my long ass hair. Thankfully, keeping it in a bun didn’t put it in bad shape, all I had to do was curl the bright pink ends. Then I went through my entire makeup routine, and that was when I realized there hadn’t been a sound throughout the house, not even Chica’s little pitter-patters in the hall. It disturbed me a little bit, but I took a deep breath and tried to convince myself it wasn’t a big deal.

 

Once I was dressed, I wandered about the house. No one was in their room or bathroom, or anywhere until I went downstairs. Jack was sitting at the breakfast bar, headphones on and staring intently at his laptop. However, he looked up when he saw me, smiling warmly. No wonder it was so quiet.

 

“You’re dressed up,” he observed, eyeing my outfit. I was wearing a skirt for a change, and plenty of people were definitely going to point it out.

 

“I’m just vlogging today,” I replied.

 

“Oh, well you look nice!”

 

“Thank you!”

 

He changed the subject. “I’m just waiting for this video to upload, and then I’ll be ready to go.”

 

“Take your time,” I told him.

 

I made myself a coffee while I waited. I decided not to eat anything with it even though it would have killed more time. Luckily, I remembered I still had to do my “makeup of the day” selfie so I went to the window in the living room and took my phone out. I got a few shots, making sure to get angles of every feature on my face. 

 

After that, I went to Twitter to see what was going on. My mentions were just demands for the selfie I had yet to post. My MOTDs were the only consistent thing about my time on the internet, and when it's just a little late, people get antsy. And rude, mostly rude.

 

Instead of acknowledging that, I asked what highlighters I should try out.

 

Then I went back upstairs to the bathroom to look over what I used on my face today. All my products were scattered across the counter, but I knew where everything was, so I snapped a picture on my phone before deciding to take another picture for Snapchat. Once that was done, I put everything away, knowing they would be misplaced or broken if I left them out here. Once, I left my Kat Von D contour kit out on the counter for an hour and when I came back, the pressed powders were mysteriously broken. 

 

Not long after I was done posting my pictures, Jack called my name from downstairs. I sighed, calming my nerves as I went to go meet him.

 

I didn't mention my vlog again until we were in the car. Or, I thought about mentioning it, but my anxiety induced ass kept my mouth shut. I had to get a video up on my channel, people were asking for it. I hated getting so nervous about it. I just didn't want him to think I was one of those YouTubers that vlogs every single second of their lives.

 

“Do you mind if you're in my vlog?” I suddenly blurred halfway through the ride to campus. “I-I mean, if you want, sorry. Like, it's just that I didn't post a video over the weekend y pues necesito poner algo en mi canal pero no quiero molestarte…” I trailed off, realizing I had switched languages. I did that sometimes.

 

“Bella,” Jack said, and I could hear a smile in his voice, “I'd love to be in your vlog. You don't have to explain yourself to me, even though I have no idea what you said. It's no problem at all.”

 

I was quick to hand him my phone. “Do you mind vlogging while I drive?”

 

“Of course!” He put on the front camera and aimed it at both of us.

 

“Hi! We’re on our way to campus!” I said in my ‘vlogger’ voice as soon as it was recording. “This is Jack, by the way.”

 

“Hi!” he greeted.

 

“We’re kind of roommates,” I tried to explain.

 

“We crashed Mark’s house,” he said. “We’re the monsters in his basement.”

 

“Yeah!” I chuckled. “We’re also classmates, and if I vlog more, then you may see even more of this guy!”

 

“I also crashed Bella’s house,” Jack added.

 

I hesitated, then laughed. “Someone’s gonna take that the wrong way.”

 

~

 

“So class was cancelled,” I spoke to my phone camera as Jack and I walked through campus. “We have like, two hours to kill. So, we’re probably gonna go eat, and then go to Sephora.”

 

“What’s that?” asked Jack.

 

I smiled almost wickedly for the camera. “You’ll find out.”

 

Obviously I only said that for the vlog. I explained to Jack what exactly Sephora was, and the told him he didn’t have to come with me if he didn’t want to.

 

“No, I’ll go with you!” he cheerily said. “Let’s do it!”

 

“Wait, really?” I asked, surprised.

 

“Yes! Let’s go!” He sounded way too excited. Then again, it is Jack. But it’s also a freaking makeup store.

 

Either way, I wasn’t going to complain.

 

This is weird, but I felt a sense of peace walking into the store. Technically, it should have triggered my anxiety. If you walk in there with no makeup, you get death glares from other shoppers, and the employees treat you like you don’t know anything about beauty. Speaking of the employees, they also try to talk to you and advise you on what colors go with your eyes and skin tone and other stuff I didn’t necessarily agree with. Yet, I was calm when I walked inside.

 

Jack followed me wherever I went, looking fascinated but also confused. For once, there weren’t a lot of people in the store, so he wasn’t recognized by anyone. Yes, even in Sephora, Jack was sure to get recognized. That’s what I expected at least. Even more surprisingly, he was intrigued by all the products.

 

“What’s that?”

 

“Primer.”

 

“What does it do?”

 

“Smooths out your skin and helps your makeup last longer.”

 

“What about this? It’s shiny!”

 

“Oh! Just what I was looking for. Highlighter!”

 

I looked at the sample on the display shelf.  _ Urban Decay.  _ I hummed in thought.

 

“What does it do?” Jack asked, looking over my shoulder.

 

“Makes your skin glow,” I replied. “Kind of like a healthy glow, depending on what the highlighter is like.”

 

I swatched the sample on my finger, showing him the iridescent, pearly color. Then, a thought came to mind. “This color might actually go with your skin tone.”

 

He chuckled. “ _ Mine?” _

 

Smiling, I took his wrist and wiped, for lack of a better word, the shimmering product onto his skin. “Actually… no. You’re a teeny bit too pale.”

 

“Of course I am!” He laughed.

 

“But it would look great on me!”

 

We continued browsing through the store. I also realized I hadn’t been vlogging the whole thing. Every time I’ve tried to vlog in Sephora in the past, I was always told off by an employee. So technically, Jack was actually curious about these things. He followed me around the store, far more interested than I expected. He was especially captivated by the Too Faced counter, and I knew exactly why.

 

“Does… does that actually smell like chocolate?” he asked, pointing to a specific eyeshadow palette, a childlike wonder in his eyes.

 

“It does.” I smiled wide, practically giddy that someone was open enough to talk to me about my one interest. “I have this palette, too. It’s actually my favorite.”

 

“That’s so fucking cool! Wait-” He leaned closer to read the label. “Why is it fifty fucking dollars?”

 

“Excellent question!”

 

“And this! It’s a heart with powder in it! Why is it thirty five fucking dollars?”

 

“Let’s not think about prices,” I told him, sympathetically patting his shoulder. “They’re pretty, and for me, they’re necessary.”

 

“Are they really?”

 

“Well, it’s what I do for a living, so yes.”

 

“Why do you like it so much?” he asked, looking at me. “I’m not trying to be mean or belittle you, I’m actually curious.”

 

Don’t know about him, but the mood changed for me.

 

“I’ll tell you that story one day.”

 

~

 

I thought I had enough questions about Mark. Jack’s fanbase… well, they were a lot nicer. Still invasive, but nicer. I edited and uploaded my vlog the same day I filmed it, and it got the numbers I half expected. Plenty of views and likes, not that that mattered. What mattered to me was what they were saying the following day. Many of them requested I do Jack’s makeup for a video. Many requested he do mine. Some said we should date. But by far, the best thing I had seen was a drawing of me and Jack as Cosmo and Wanda. I guess having the ends of your hair dyed bright pink qualifies you as eligible to be drawn as a fairy! I loved it!

 

I hadn’t used Tumblr so much in a very long time. A lot of Jack’s followers were now messaging me, not just on there, but on Twitter, Instagram, and all of my other social media as well. I wasn’t sure whether to be cynical because they saw me now as an extension of Jack and Mark, or nervous because now more people were aware of my existence.

 

I mean, it’s not like they were doing anything wrong. Hardly anyone was rude, most people were saying I was pretty, that my makeup was on point. Compared to other vloggers’ audiences, Jack’s was very kind and welcoming. I was pleasantly surprised.

 

“You’ve been on your phone every chance you’ve gotten all day,” Mark pointed out that evening. “And you’re actually smiling”

 

“I don’t think I’ve had this much attention before,” I said, still scrolling. “I thought people would hate me for being around Jack.”

 

Mark scoffed as he lied down next to me in bed. “What’s there to hate?”

 

“Well, I’m resented for being around you.”

 

“Hey, they came around. They like you.” Mark always tried to see the best in his audience, but he also knew they hated me when we first went public. I couldn’t really blame them, but it still sucked.

 

“Either way, I shouldn’t think about it too much,” I concluded, finally putting down my phone, turning to face my boyfriend.

 

As soon as I was unoccupied, Mark practically attacked me. He managed to dive into me and roll me onto my back. I yelped, then giggled as he pinned me down.

 

“I feel like I haven’t had you to myself lately,” he told me, leaning in so our noses touched.

 

“I know, things have been so busy,” I replied, despite how trapped I felt in this position. I tried to keep my breathing normal. It’s been awhile since I’ve been this close to anyone, and Mark knew this.

 

“Let me make it up to you,” Mark said, his voice deep and very close to my ear.

 

I gasped and shivered as his lips attacked my neck. My stomach dropped and my face heated up so much I was surprised Mark’s hair didn’t singe off as it tickled my cheek. I squirmed, trying to get out of this awkward position.

 

Luckily, Mark caught on, picking his head up and peering down at me. “You okay?”

 

“C-Can we do this another time?” I asked, my voice small and shaky.

 

He paused for a split second, but nodded and rolled back to his side of the bed. “I’m sorry, I got carried away.”

 

“It’s okay,” I replied, taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry… I still get really nervous…”

 

I’m so stupid. It’s not like I was a virgin. It’s not like he didn’t make me feel safe… I felt so guilty.

 

“I won’t make you do anything you’re not ready for,” Mark reassured, reaching down to take my hand. “It’s okay, I promise.”

 

“I’m sorry.” That was about ninety percent of my vocabulary.

  
“Don’t be.”


	5. Week 7, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Tell me if you wanted it at all"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the part where we (I, the lazy author) start skipping weeks, so donut fret for not finding weeks 5 and 6 bc they donut exist :)

“Let me hear you,” Jack said.

 

I remained quiet, my face beet red.

 

“Come on, Bellers,” he coaxed.

 

“I don’t sing in front of people!” I blurted out, tangling my fingers together nervously.

 

“You sing in front of me!” interjected Mark, who was sat next to Jack on the sofa.

 

I hesitated. “B-But that’s different…”

 

“No, you always want someone to hear you sing before you post it on your channel!” he told me. “And it’s just me and Jack, there’s nothing to be afraid of.”

 

I looked down at my keyboard. I was excited to sing for them earlier, but then the time came and I got cold feet. One of the few things I was proud of about myself was my ability to sing. I had perfect pitch since I took classes as a child. I could sing big vocals like it was nothing, high notes came easy to me. It was just intimidating every time someone heard me sing. I was being watched and judged and I was never good under that kind of stress.

 

But it was just Mark and Jack. I shouldn’t have been so nervous, but I was always nervous. I inhaled deeply and played the first few notes of the song I had chosen.

 

“I can still taste the ocean, like it was today…

You said ‘please keep on holding my hands’ and the rain it came too soon,

I will wait for you to love me again”

 

I kept my eyes on my fingers pressing the keys. In all honesty, I only wanted to sing this particular song to Mark because it made me think of him. I figured I would hint at it in the description box if I decided to be brave.

 

“Guess I was running from something, I was running back to you…”

 

Have you ever listened to a song and you just wanted to live in it? Or inject it into your veins? I had strong feelings when I heard this song, feelings similar to when I realized I really loved my boyfriend.

 

I took a quick glance at the two guys. They both had matching grins on their faces. I kept singing, slowly detaching myself from reality and getting lost in the music. And then came my favorite line:

“The darkest night never felt so bright with you by my side…”

 

That particular line always made me emotional. I was full of darkness, I was negative. But I had Mark, and he was my light in this mess that was my life. I hadn’t realized how down I was until I wasn’t really there anymore. I didn’t expect him to “heal” or “fix” me, I just needed his help.

 

“What did I tell you?” he said to Jack when I had finished. “She’s incredible, right?”

 

My face went back to red.

 

“Yes, she is!” Jack agreed. “You’re really talented, Bella!”

 

“Thank you,” I responded.

  
“They’re going to love you,” Mark told me.

 

The next time I sang Outer Space, I had my camera on. I did it one take and just uploaded the video. I did covers every now and again on my channel. Those, along with the occasional daily vlogs, were insanely popular compared to my makeup tutorials/rants.

 

Mark went back to his house after I posted my video. He was always busy with whatever projects he had going on. He was script writing, preparing sketches with Matt and Ryan, editing videos, and slowly but surely working on a tour. That was mainly why I barely saw him these days, even when I stayed at his house. The only reason why it didn’t bother me that much was because I had Jack to keep me company.

 

Once I thought of that, it dawned on me that he wasn’t going to be here permanently. The semester ends in May, then he would be going back to Ireland. What would I do then? He was the only friend I had. I never realized how alone I was until he came along. I had fun with him. He was slowly taking me out of my shell.

 

I mean, yes, I had Mark. But like I said, he was always busy, and it’s considered “healthy” and “normal” to have other friends besides your boyfriend. I didn’t know what I was going to do when I was alone again.

 

What did I do to distract myself from my future of crippling loneliness? I isolated myself in my bathroom and washed my collection of makeup brushes. When you’re a socially anxious makeup artist who uses online shopping as a coping mechanism, that takes up a lot of time. I had barely gotten through one brand of brushes before I heard footsteps out in my room.

 

“Baller!” Jack called. That’s a new one.

 

“In here!” I replied, reached over from the sink to open the door.

 

He came over and saw me, tilting his head. “What are you doing?”

 

“Washing brushes,” I said.

 

“All of those?” he asked in surprise, pointing to the giant pile on the counter.

 

I shrugged. “I’ve been putting off cleaning them.”

 

“Do you need help? Looks like you’re going to be here a while.”

 

“Sure, if you’re not busy.”

 

He happily approached the counter and stood next to me by the sink. I handed him a dirty brush and showed him how to properly wash it. It was simple, and now that there were two of us doing, things were getting done faster.

 

“So, what got you into makeup?” he prompted after a while. “Why do you like it so much?”

 

Oh man.

 

“Are you sure you wanna hear that story?” I asked in response.

 

“Yes!”

 

I sighed. This was a tough subject. “To put it shortly, there was a point in my life where everything sucked. I mean, there’s been plenty of times where everything sucked, but this one was pretty bad. I just wanted to feel good about something, so I bought a cheap little eyeshadow palette and wore that whenever I was down. Of course, that expanded and escalated, and here I am now.”

 

Jack nodded. “So you wear makeup when you’re sad?”

 

“I used to. But now I do it because I love it and it’s fun. I actually went to beauty school and everything, but I never finished it because of YouTube.”

 

“Well, that’s cool.” Jack put one brush aside and picked up another. “I didn’t know it was personal, by the way, I’m sorry if I was prying or anything.”

 

“No, it’s okay. I’ve wanted to make a video on why I got into makeup for a long time since I never talked about it, but I don’t want to seem depressing. Like… I want something like that to be helpful instead of just sharing my sob story.”

 

“It must be really serious then. Don’t worry about how you’ll sound. If you think you need to talk about it, then do it. If you think it’ll help someone, that’s even better.”

 

It was itching at me now that I had spoken out loud about it. I had never talked about this with anyone. Not Mark, not even my therapist. It was like a crying fit stuck in my throat and it refused to come out. Not that I particularly wanted it to, anyway.

 

“I’m still thinking about it,” I  concluded.

 

“Well, no matter what you decide,” Jack said, “you have my support.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

He was so easy to talk to. I was fighting myself not to just spill everything out and burden him with the things that I’ve done. I couldn’t expose him to how bad I really was, and I really didn’t want to tell him something that I couldn’t even tell to my boyfriend.

 

Ironically, Jack asked if Mark knew this deep, dark story, and I said no. I hadn’t told anyone.

 

“Do you think you need to talk about it?”

 

“Yeah, but not anytime soon.”

 

“Should I be worried?”

 

“No. It’s a thing of the past.”

 

~

 

Exams and midterms still took place. It was mainly for the students transferring to actual universities after YTU closed for good, but everybody attending still had to take them. I was never good at studying, or good at school in general, but I managed to get by.

 

One of my classes, English, required group work, and that was a nightmare. I was interacting with others, but I still remained friendless. My yoga class sometimes involved partner poses, but I had Jack there to help me. That was probably one reason why we got closer.

 

But alas, Jack was leaving soon and then things won’t be the same anymore. I had Sophie - kind of - she was more of an acquaintance. She would mostly talk and I would listen. She had plenty of other friends, and her best friend, who I had in my yoga class. I was easily replaceable.

 

I had Mark too, but he was spreading himself thin lately. As much as he denied it, he was slowly stressing himself out. I would try to help him, but I was afraid of making him snap. He was just busy all the time, practically leaving me alone with Jack. Maybe that was another reason I got close to him. But that’s what Mark wanted, right? He wanted me to have at least one friend so that way, he didn’t have to worry or feel guilty that he was away from me all the time. That wasn’t a bad thing, I did need friendship.

 

It was a typical warm day… well, it wasn’t warm to me. Jack was a bit miserable, claiming it was “hot as fucking balls.”

 

“This is nothing compared to the summertime,” I told him, amused. “In my hometown, it’s all desert, so you’d get the dryest heat of your life. Oh, and during the spring, it’s so windy that you’re pretty much eating dirt.”

 

We were both out of class early due to exams. We had extra time to kill. It was nearing five o’clock and the campus was particularly barren. I didn’t have any videos to film today, and Jack liked to film well into the night.

 

“Can we go to the Tube?” he asked. “I heard it’s good.”

 

“Really?” I asked in response, my stomach immediately flipping over.

 

The Tube was a diner/bar specifically for vloggers, and it was connected with the university. I had only been there once, and I ended up having a panic attack in the bathroom. That was the last time I went to a restaurant… until I started dating Mark. 

 

“Yeah, I’ve never been there! Please?” Jack asked, giving me and exaggerated pout.

 

I had to give in. I didn’t want to ruin everything, even if it meant sacrificing my own comfort and mental health. We walked down the street to the diner, my jaw clenched shut from the nerves.

 

Jack went to order us drinks while I found us a booth. It wasn’t particularly busy today, but there were intimidating vloggers scattered here and there. Some of them were looking at Jack, who was far more known and respected than I was.

 

He came over to the booth with two beers and sat across from me. “I don’t know what you like, so I went with Coors.”

 

“That’s fine,” I said, accepting the bottle and taking a gulp. Alcohol helped me relax in social situations. “I actually don’t drink that much.” Because I never go outside, therefore I had no reason to cope-drink.

 

“How come?” he asked. “You strike me as someone who does shots and cocktails.”

 

I shook my head, chuckling a little. “Nope. The idea that a liquid can impair your thoughts and actions is a bit terrifying.”  _ Yet it’s one of your maladaptive behaviors. Okay then, Bella. _

 

Jack rolled his eyes, amused. “Are you a lightweight, Bellers?”

 

I was embarrassed by that little fact for some reason. “No…”

 

“Chug your beer, then.”

 

“ _ iChale!  _ No way!”

 

“Come on! I’ll do it with you! Look!” Without missing a beat, Jack took his own bottle and began to down it.

 

Fuck it. This bout of nerves and anxiety wasn’t going to go down by itself. I tipped down my beverage, though I didn’t feel any different once I finished it. Beer never really did it for me, I needed something stronger.

 

“You drunk yet?” Jack jokingly asked when he put down his empty bottle.

 

“It’s gonna take more than that,  _ mijito,”  _ I said back.

 

At one point, a waiter came by and replaced our drinks with new ones. Jack ordered some food as well, and we got settled in.

 

“So, how’d you meet Signe?” I asked.

 

“She made some art of me, and I started talking to her on Tumblr,” he replied. “There was this time where she was streaming, she was drawing a picture of me. I went onto the stream and watched a little bit, and I told her ‘you better draw me pretty.’ She told me to go fuck myself.”

 

I giggled. “How romantic.”

 

“Yeah… I really miss her.” He took another sip of his beer. “How did you and Mark meet?”

 

“It was here at YTU. We had some classes together, and we were partnered together on a project,” I said. “And you know me, I was super quiet and awkward. Except, when he tried to make conversation with me, I did not want to cooperate.”

 

“Same old Bella,” Jack commented, smiling. “So you were friends before you started dating?”

 

“Yeah, we only started dating in October, but we’re pretty close.”

 

“Do you not drink because he can’t?”

 

“It’s a personal choice. You’d think with all the shit I have in here-” I pointed to my head “-I’d be a raging alcoholic. But no.”

 

“That makes you a very strong person. I respect that.”

 

I smiled. “Thanks, dude! Wanna do a shot or two?”

 

“Sure!”

 

When the waiter came with our food, I managed to order two tequila shots. One bright side of my drinking-in-social-situations habit, I could do things on my own without shaking as much. However, I was still too polite and shy to say anything when we were presented with a whole plate of tequila shots.

 

Jack was giggling once the waiter had gone. “Is this what you ordered?”

 

I hesitated. “I did say a shot or two…”

 

“Oh, tiny little Baller. Ready?” He took one small glass and held it up.

 

I took a deep breath and held up my own. “Let’s do this. To… friendship?”

 

“To friendship!”

 

And down went the first shot.

 

It burned my throat, but not enough to make me want to throw it back up. It just made me want to drink more. I was feeling better and more free as the alcohol set into my system. More people entered the diner, and I wasn’t plagued with the urge to hide in the bathroom. But if I did feel that, then I had more tequila to help me out with that.

 

I looked through my phone at one point, some time after emptying two more shot glasses. I was making sure I didn’t receive any texts from Mark. As usual, I had no new notifications, so I scrolled on Tumblr, and my heart began to burst.

 

“Jack,” I said urgently. “I need to tell you something.”

 

“Tell me,” he replied, leaning forward in his seat. His cheeks were flushed.

 

“You fans are so fucking nice, dude. I love them.”

 

“I know! Thank you! They’re being nice to you?”

 

“They’re drawing fanart, and they say my makeup is pretty!” I could have cried in that moment. “They also have this funny idea that we should be together.”

 

“That's called shipping,” Jack pointed out.

 

“I know, I'm just thinking,” I said, “maybe the shippers are going to my head or something.” I hesitated. “Do you think if you didn't have Signe, and I didn't have Mark, that we…” I let my sentence finish itself.

 

He actually considered it, looking at his empty shot glass with a lot of thought. “I don't know. I can't imagine myself with anyone but Signe. You and me? Maybe… in another life probably.”

 

“Another story,” I added.  _ “Una historia de otros nosotros.” _

 

“I'm going to pretend like I understood that.” Jack chuckled. “Do you actually think we could work?”

 

I shrugged. “Maybe. I mean, we're complete opposites, but maybe that's not a bad thing. You bring out my happy, energetic side, and I…”

 

“You teach me how to shut the fuck up,” Jack continued. “No but really, you taught me more about anxiety.”

 

“You make me want to be a better person,” I said, my words slurring a little bit. “You’ve made me feel less lonely. God, you're such a nice, good person Jack! I don't deserve a friend like you!”

 

“Aw, you're so sweet, Baller!” he replied. “I'm glad we're friends on some level, y'know? Sure, in another story we could be more than that, but I'm happy where we are right now. Besties, and nothing more.”

 

“Exactly! We should get bracelets or something...” I could have cried, this was such a nice moment. I really did love Jack, as much as you can love a good friend.

 

“If you and Mark ever break up, I'm still hanging out with you,” he said. “That's how close I think we are.”

 

“Bros before hoes doesn't apply to me?”

 

“You're a bro! The best bro, queen of the bros!”

 

“You sound like Felix.” I giggled.

 

“Maybe that's a sign we've had too much to drink. Let's call someone, shall we?”

 

“Yeah, let’s do it.” I pulled out my phone, somehow managing to dial Mark.

 

“Bellaboo!” he greeted upon answering.

 

“Hi Markimoo!” I greeted back, giggling like a little girl. “My love, my life, my wife!”

 

He chuckled on the other line. “Where are you, Bellaboo?”

 

“Me and the Jack decided to have special friend time,” I explained. “We’re having fun, but maybe too much fun. There was tequila involved.”

 

“Oh, I understand. Can you drive, babe?”

 

Everything he was saying was funny. “I don’t think so. Could you be the bestest, sweetest person ever and pick us up?  _ Estamos cerca del universidad, si sabes?” _

 

“English, honey,” he told me.

 

“Y’know that one bar, restaurant, thing by campus? That’s where you’ll find me and my son.”

 

“Jack is your son now?” Mark laughed.

 

“Yes, I adopted him, and we’re raising him together! Right, Jack?”

 

“Right!” he replied even though he didn’t hear what me and Mark were talking about.

 

“Okay, I’ll be right there, baby,” Mark told me.

  
“Thank yooouu, I love yoouu,” I sang before hanging up.


	6. week 7, part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Play the scene over again."

I woke up to find myself in the familiar setting of my bedroom. I felt disgustingly groggy, bringing the ball of my hand to rub my eye. When I removed it, I just saw smudges of black and gold, and I sighed. I fell asleep with my makeup on, which meant I had a million new zits to treat.

Once I crawled out of bed, I realized that I had fallen asleep in the clothes from yesterday as well. I remembered The Tube, and that I was with Jack. It was definitely my idea to bust out the alcohol, and now I was struggling to remember what exactly happened.

I heard him laugh in the living room. I wondered why he didn’t sound like a hungover mess, but then I remembered that I was the biggest lightweight in the world. I wondered if he remembered what we got down to last night.

I spent a good amount of time in the bathroom, washing off yesterday’s makeup and also puking. That was mainly why I never drank: I hated throwing up. I was always afraid of getting out of control and giving myself a hangover. Well, today that fear was my reality. You could imagine how shitty I felt in that moment. To top it off, Mother Nature decided to pay me a visit. Wait, it gets better. The box of necessary items I had under my sink was empty. I really shouldn’t have woken up at all today.

I didn’t trust myself at all to use toilet paper as a temporary substitute while I went to the convenient store down the street. But at the same time, I was too embarrassed to call Mark or even ask Jack to run the errand for me. Or… would I rather risk getting an awful stain on my jeans in public? What’s worse, embarrassment in front of one person or many people?

“Jack?” I called, hoping to god he wasn’t recording.

I opened the bathroom door and peered my head outside. I saw Jack enter my room, looking as rugged as I felt.

“Morning, Baller!” he greeted.

I smiled nervously. “Hey,” I spoke slowly, giving away how I felt. “Could you do me a big favor?”

“Of course, what do you need?”

Sheepishly, I reached my arm out of the bathroom, holding out the empty box of pads to him. “Could you run down the street and get me more of these?” My cheeks went completely red.

He took the box, examining the label. “Specifically this? Like, this brand and everything?”

“Yes please, if you don’t mind. I’m picky about my lady products.”

“Yeah, I’ll get them for you. Need anything else? Painkillers? Chocolate? Ice cream?”

I got even more sheepish. “Chocolate ice cream?”

“You got it!”

“Thank you so much, you’re an angel!” I called as he walked out of the room.

I physically relaxed once he was gone. One, because I was getting what I needed, and two, because Jack was really casual and sweet about it. Not that I wasn’t expecting that, I was just relieved that we were on the same level of closeness.

As that thought passed through, I remembered the conversation we had at The Tube. It was fuzzy, but I knew it had something to do with us being together as more than friends. Thinking about that made my stomach sink. Did I ask Jack to get me sanitary pads so comfortably because he’s my boyfriend now?

My stomach sank further. It was honestly a ridiculous thought, but my mind was never rational. I tried to remember more of last night’s discussion, but it was too fuzzy and faded. More reasons why I don’t drink alcohol.

What if I betrayed Mark? What if I went completely against all of my morals? Not only would I have cheated on my boyfriend, I would have cheated with one of his friends! And to think I went so easily with Jack when I didn’t want to at all with Mark! It just made me look that much more suspicious!

My phone dinged suddenly, making me jump. I really did not remember turning on the ringer. Today really was crazy. I left the bathroom to grab it off my nightstand and went straight back, discovering that I had a text from Mark.

_“Good afternoon :p how you feeling? Need anything?”_

My heart was racing unnecessarily fast. What could I say?

_“Nope,”_ I typed. _“Jack’s getting everything I need right now.”_

And I hit send without even thinking about it. More like, I didn’t _want_ to think about how it sounded because then I really would have freaked out.

Jack returned rather quickly, probably knowing how dire my situation was. He knocked on the door, and I reached my hand out to grab my necessities. He told me my ice cream would be in the freezer, and I thanked him multiple times, underlying anxiety running through my veins. He seemed to be acting normal, maybe he was avoiding the situation too.

Once I finished in the bathroom, I tried to distract myself with other things. Mark hadn’t texted me back, which only added more to my suspicions of betrayal. I didn’t have a video to film today, and I obviously missed my classes for the day. Not that I would be able to sit in a classroom with Jack for a period of time, much less the car. Everything felt wrong.

It took some time for me to work up the courage to leave my own bedroom. In my own damn apartment. Anxiety is a _bitch._

I saw Jack sitting on the sofa, watching one of the Harry Potter movies on TV. I made my way to the kitchen before we could even make eye contact, though. Still, he asked me to join him from where he was sitting. I groaned internally as I grabbed my ice cream from the freezer, but I did as he requested anyway. At least we’d be watching a movie I could easily get invested in.

“You feeling okay?” he asked when I sat down.

“I’m fine,” I replied, pulling the cap off my tub. The irresistible urge to word vomit was coming up, however, and I couldn’t hold back. “Did we sleep together last night?”

For a second, Jack didn’t look at me. But then he turned, utterly bewildered. “No! What? Why would you think we did?”

Word. Vomit.

“I don’t know! You were so nice to me when I woke up _y sentía rara y habíamos hablado sobre de ser un pareja y quien sabe que! Y mi ansiedad me pone paranoica y estábamos todo borrachos y no sé! No sé!”_

Jack was still looking at me in shock. “I didn’t catch any of that, but I can tell you that we didn’t do anything last night! Mark picked us up, remember? There was a song playing in the diner, and you were telling me how much he hated it, and then he walked in. Don’t you remember?”

Nothing rang a bell. “But he left right after he dropped us off, didn’t he?” My mind was still trying to make me believe that I would actually betray my boyfriend.

“He left this morning. He and Ryan brought your car back from campus!” Jack reassured. “Bella, I promise you I’d never do something like that. You’re Mark’s girlfriend, and _I_ have a girlfriend! We were only a little tipsy last night, it’s not like we were out of control.”

I sighed heavily, taking in a big spoonful of ice cream. Jack was still looking at me in thought.

“Or… do you feel guilty about the conversation we had?” he asked gently. “Was what we talked about something you’ve thought about before?”

I shook my head. “No. The shippers just got to my head, along with the alcohol. You’re my friend, I see you as my friend. My only friend that isn’t my boyfriend.”

He smiled at my statement. “You’re my friend too. And, speaking of your boyfriend, should we tell him about that little talk we had?”

“Maybe we should keep that to ourselves,” I said. “I mean, I didn’t tell him about that extensive conversation we had about One Direction. It’s not worth mentioning.”

“Okay. I won’t say anything either.”

I don’t know why it was so easy to talk to him. Things were just comfortable with him. I actually felt better, almost secure with what we had. It was no wonder why people looked up to him. He understood, and he gave off good vibes. That was what made it so easy to speak my next thought:

“Can I tell you about how and why I got into makeup?”

~

“For as long as I’ve been on YouTube, I never hid the fact that I’m bisexual. I was open about it from the start because I’m proud of it, and honestly, I don’t see a lot of bi representation in entertainment or the media. I think it’s important to have that, I know my fifteen year old self would have really needed to see that, but um… yes, my fifteen year old self.

“I came to terms with my sexuality at that age. Literally, as long as I can remember, I had a strong affection for girls as well as boys. I accepted that during my sophomore year of high school. Things in my life were so different at the time, so the first people I wanted to tell were my parents. It went well, it was fine… until I had my first girlfriend.”

I paused, pulling myself together before I could start bawling.

“It’s just… mindblowing that some parents will pick their religion over their child. I started having panic attacks and my own mother told me it was the devil possessing me and that’s why I was having ‘unholy’ thoughts about women. Needless to say, the rest of high school was hell. I was having panic attacks very often, and I had no idea what anxiety was or that I was experiencing it. I don’t know how I ended up thinking like this, but I thought that panicking for up to forty minutes everyday was normal. I thought everyone had shaking hands, or that it was normal to be afraid of making phone calls. I thought everyone felt these things I was feeling, but we weren’t allowed to talk about it.

“Anyway, makeup. Around my senior year, things at home weren’t any better, so I started avoiding going there for as long as I could. I was killing time at Walgreens because I was too anxious to ask my friends to hang out. Again, thought that was what everyone did. So I’m walking around the store, and I see this Wet n Wild eyeshadow palette. It was called ‘Spoiled Brat’ and the colors were black, pink and silver. For some reason, I just fell in love with it and bought it. I felt good about the purchase, and I started playing around with the colors. I mostly used the black and silver to reflect how sad I was at the time, and I wore it because it made me feel good. Like, everything sucks but at least my eyes look dark and edgy.

“So I graduated and moved out of my parents’ house. That was almost six years ago, and I haven’t spoken to them since.” I shrugged, emotions stuck in my throat. “I’m okay with it. Anyway, at one point I came out as bisexual on Facebook, and to put it shortly, I ended up removing all my family members. The second I knew they said something against my sexuality, they were gone. Or they just stopped inviting me to things, and quietly made their message clear. After putting up with my parents, I just didn’t want anyone to have a say in who I am. It was hard having to leave them behind, because up until then, I did have a decent relationship with my family, but not one of them wanted to understand me. And to me, that’s not family.

“Uh… time went on, I started going to cosmetology school, and I fell in love for the first time. That relationship ended, and I pretty much spiraled. It wasn’t just that particular breakup, it was everything. See, I was with this girl. She was amazing, but she hadn’t come out to her family, and they were… like my parents, but worse. We broke up because she was terrified of her parents finding out, and while I understood that, I was in a place where I wouldn’t let people tell me that liking girls was wrong. So after that, I was just alone. Here I was, bisexual and proud, but I was alone. My family didn’t want me back, and all the friends I had were her friends and they didn’t want to talk to me anymore. And I was still having panic attacks and bouts of depression, and I felt like that was killing me. I wanted it to kill me. I started thinking about suicide, and I planned it out, and set a date.” I looked down, tears finally falling.

“Then, one day. One fucking day I was browsing online, looking at makeup, and I found this thing called a ‘Chocolate Bar Palette.’ It piqued my interest and I placed an order. The delivery date was a few days after my date… so I put it off just to try this palette. Then it was a lipstick, then a contour kit… I kept pushing my suicide date just to try all these makeup products. Next thing I know, it’s twenty fourteen, and YouTube University is announced.

“It got better. I found my current boyfriend at YTU, and he makes my world easier and happier.”

I could help but cry even more. I couldn’t believe someone as dull as me was here now. I couldn’t believe I was still alive.

“Okay, okay…” I sniffed, wiping the tears away. “So what you should take from this video is first, there’s no shame in who you are. It’s a long and hard process, but you deserve to be happy and proud of yourself. Second, there’s no shame in reaching out and getting help. It took me years to finally see a therapist and it’s really benefited me. And finally, there’s no such thing as a dumb reason not to kill yourself. You are worthy of a good life, you need to stay and see what life has to offer. When I was twenty one and crying in my studio apartment, I didn’t think I would be here now! And I’m not saying I’m one hundred percent okay either. Recovery is an everyday thing, and I know all of you going through dark times right now are strong enough to make it. I promise you it won’t be like this forever. We’ll do this together. I love you all so, so much, and thank you for watching.”


	7. Week 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Drowning beside you..."

_“Wrote it down on the wall, she was screaming it out,_  
Made it clear, she’s still here, are you listening now?  
Just a ghost in the halls, feeling empty, they’re vacant now…”

It was hard having to hear this song, much less sing it. But that was all I could do. It was one of the few songs that really captured exactly how I felt when it came to my relatives. I wasn’t singing it because I was going to post it on my channel, either. I was just trying to get out the bad feelings, but the more I sang it, the more I wanted to wallow.

 _“Hey Mom, hey Dad, when did this end?_  
When did you lose your happiness?  
I’m here alone inside of this broken home…”

Sharing something so personal took its toll. I was crying on and off the days following when I uploaded that video. It felt like all these wounds had reopened and the bleeding would never stop. This was why I didn’t like talking about it. It just felt like all the pain was endless. I was thinking about how I felt when I was sixteen and suicidal, when I was twenty one and teetering on the edge. I could still feel my parents’ harsh words like it was yesterday. So I kept singing.

Externally, though, I tried to remain normal. I tweeted random crap, posted my MOTDs on Instagram, and played around with Snapchat filters like nothing was wrong. I still attended classes, usually after a small push from Mark or Jack. But everything felt weird. I felt incredibly vulnerable in front of them now. I mean, Mark knew about my family situation, but he didn’t know that I was suicidal for a period of time. Obviously, Jack didn’t know either, yet he was the first person I told. I wasn’t sure why that was.

A knock on my door interrupted my sad singing. Before I could even grant access, Jack walked in.

“You’ve had that song on repeat for a while,” he told me. “Are you sure you want to keep torturing yourself like this?”

I looked down at my keyboard and shrugged.

Jack approached me and placed his hand on my shoulder. “You need to get out of your room, okay? Can we do that?”

I nodded lightly and got up. He was easy to listen to. Despite how loud and vulgar he was on camera, he was very gentle when he needed to be.

“Good, now give me a hug,” he said, opening his arms.

I obliged and wrapped my arms around his middle. He really did give good hugs.

“You’re not there anymore, Bella,” he told me, rubbing my back. “You never have to be in that place again.”

God, he was going to make me cry again. I took a deep breath, choosing not to respond to his words.

“Let’s do something fun!” he suggested when we parted. “You wanna do your makeup?”

I wrinkled my nose and shook my head. That’s when you know something is wrong. Makeup was my happy place, and I didn’t even want anything to do with it in this state of mind.

“You wanna do _my_ makeup?” he asked without missing a beat.

It sounded exhausting, having to pick up brushes, putting things on his face. Exhausting, but interesting. I had a somewhat thoughtful look on my face, and that was enough for Jack. He dragged me over to the bathroom and stood me in front of the counter where all my makeup was.

“Make me look beautiful! I want the cat eyes and the, the contour!” he said, sounding very much like his online self.

I gave a small smile, but wordlessly began to look through my products. I was opening up different palettes, looking through foundations, and picking out my cleanest brushes. I kept looking at Jack’s face, trying to imagine different eye looks on him.

“Your hair is green, but your eyes are blue,” I said in thought.

“Is that bad?” he asked in response.

“Some people might say it’ll make a lot of colors clash,” I told him. “But I’ll just use whatever the fuck I have.”

I grabbed an eyeshadow primer and one of my Too Faced palettes. I hadn’t done another person’s makeup since I stopped booking clients. I actually liked the feeling, It came almost naturally. I appreciated that Jack was letting me do this.

“Why do you always start with the eyes?” he asked as I sweeped neutral shades over his lids.

“It makes cleaning up fallout a lot easier,” I replied. “So you don’t ruin any foundation or concealer under your eyes.”

Speaking of, it was a challenge to find a perfect match for Jack. I was darker than him, so many foundations in my collection didn’t match his skin tone. Too pink, too dark, too warm! Eventually I decided to just dot one of my concealers all over his face and blended it in.

“So why do you have to have a lighter concealer?” he asked. He was full of questions.

“To look more awake. You can also use it to highlight different features of your face.”

“And now you have to find something even lighter to highlight me?”

I sighed. “Yup.”

I took my time on his face. The warm colors I used really accentuated his blue eyes, and I grew slightly envious of his long eyelashes. Due to that, and the fact that his eyes were ridiculously sensitive, I had to skip out on false lashes. Then, I added bronzer, blush, and highlighter to his face, making his cheeks stand out and chiseling out his features.

“Can you make something of those caterpillars?” he asked when it came to doing his eyebrows.

Are you questioning my skills?” I asked in response.

“No, never! You’re the master here!”

It wasn’t the easiest task, but I did it. Wish I could say that about my anxiety.

I finished off the look with a dark berry lip. It was a little bizarre to see Jack with a full face of makeup, but he looked incredible, and I was very satisfied with the result.

“Whoa!” he exclaimed when he looked in the mirror. His mouth was open in shock, and he was moving his head around so different parts of his face caught the light. “This is so weird…”

“Does it look good, though?” I asked.

“Of course! I’ve never looked better!” he said, posing dramatically, pouting his lips as he looked at his reflection. Then he went off to take a bunch of selfies.

I wasn’t sure if he let me use his face as a distraction or if he genuinely liked what I did. Either way, it got my creative juices flowing, and I really wanted to film a bunch of videos at once. I took out my phone and jotted down some ideas in my notes, hoping that this sudden spark of creativity would last long enough.

“Hey, do you wanna help me make a video sometime?” I asked as I followed his path out to the living room.

“We could do it now, if you want,” he replied as he snapped more photos of himself.

“I’d like to now, but I don’t have the proper materials.” I leaned against the doorway, still looking down at my phone. I hit the home button and was brought back to my main screen. My wallpaper was a picture of Perrie Edwards, and it suddenly rang a bell in my head.

Jack and I were at The Tube, tipsy and giggly as ever. I remembered us bouncing simultaneously in our seats to the music playing. I knew it was a Little Mix song, I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

“Hey, do you remember what song was playing at The Tube that one time?” I asked. “Do you remember at all how it went?”

 _“He was just a dick and I knew it!”_ Jack sang without missing a beat.

“Hair!” I exclaimed, finally clicking with it. “I remember! Mark fucking hates that song!”

“Yeah, you were telling me about it until he picked us up!”

I giggled but suddenly froze when we heard a knock on the door. However, I inhaled deeply and turned on my heel to go answer it. This was something I didn’t typically do. If I got a package in the mail, I waited until the mailman was gone. If it was any friend or acquaintance, or even Mark, they would have to text me when they’re at the door. But I just opened the door with very little hesitation. Luckily, it was Mark, Matt, and Ryan. They each were carrying a rather large box with three different cosmetic brand names on them.

“You answered the door!” Mark pointed out, sounding pleasantly surprised.

“I know right!” I replied.

“You got some packages sent to my house,” he explained, holding up the box he was holding. “Thought that would boost your morale, so we brought them over. And there’s more in the car.”

I moved to the side so the three of them could enter. They went to the living room and placed the boxes on the coffee table. Jack was standing in front of the sliding door, and he dramatically turned to face the boys, placing his hands on his hips.

“Hi boys!” he greeted flamboyantly.

“Holy shit, what happened to you?” Matt asked him in shock.

“What did you do?” Mark asked me.

“I was sad, so he let me put makeup on him,” I replied simply.

“And now I look beautiful!” Jack exclaimed as Ryan said “Gay!” over him.

I resisted rolling my eyes as he went to get the rest of the boxes. Then I sat down on the couch and gazed at the ones on the table. High end companies knew who I was? How?

“Why did they send these?” I wondered, completely blown away.

“‘Cause you’re great,” Mark said as he sat down next to me.

Again, I resisted rolling my eyes as I opened up the first bright pink box. There were several eyebrow pencils and gels in pretty silver packaging. The next box was black and inside were several shades of foundation and concealer, which was perfect for one of my video ideas. The last box was white and had an assortment of liquid lipsticks, eyeliners, and eyeshadows. I kept my excited squealing to a minimum so as to not seem ridiculous in front of the guys.

“I have no idea where to start,” I said, “but I’m gonna need volunteers.”

“Nope!” Matt quickly snapped as he dashed into the kitchen.

“He’s going first,” Mark reassured.

Needless to say, I felt better once I was surrounded by makeup and my boyfriend. I was happy that Jack was happy with his new look, and even more that he posted about it on Instagram. I even snagged my own photos of him and explained the details on my profile.

That pretty much marked the end of my little depressive episode. I explained it all to my therapist, and she continued to help me with coping. I was still a loner, having only Jack as my one true friend besides Mark. I was just learning to be okay with it. As long as you have one friend, you should be okay. As long as I had those two guys in my life, I felt like I had a shot at being okay again. I was hoping that I could get through this.

Hoping. I had hoped...


	8. Week 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The front row of last resorts."

“I’m just saying,” Mark told me casually. “You’ve spent a lot of time with him.”

He only brought it up because Jack wasn’t home. Maybe this was the first time he could actually get me alone. To a normal person, his words would have seemed like an innocent comment with no undertones. To me, it made my stomach drop, like I had done something wrong. I’ve upset my boyfriend and now he was going to leave me. I might as well start preparing my life of solitude, maybe adopt some cats.

Wait, no. I had to think logically, like my therapist had suggested.

“We share an apartment,” I said. “We go to school together. He records videos here.” Yes, perfect. That explains the friendship we developed. That should do it, right?

“Yeah, but aside from all that,” Mark continued, shifting in his seat on the couch. He still sounded casual, but his face was saying something else. “You’re pretty close with him now, aren’t you?”

_Logic, Bella, logic!_

“He’s my friend?” I sounded pathetic. “I don’t have any other friends…?” Even more pathetic.

“I thought he would help you make new friends, though. You two are really different, I didn’t think you’d get so close so fast.”

Logic was starting to go out the door. Confusion and a bit of anger were getting mixed together.

“What, did you get him over here so he can babysit my unstable ass?” Okay, a lot of anger and irrationality.

“No! Why are you getting defensive?” Of course, it was easy to get Mark fired up. It wasn’t my intention, but it was happening.

I sat up and scooted away from him. “It feels like you don’t trust me! Am I not allowed to be friends with other people? Are you jealous because Jack actually has time for me?”

I wasn’t one for conflict and confrontation, but man, did I know how to hit ‘em where it hurts. Mark was taken aback and he stood up from the couch, pacing angrily. He placed his hands over his face and took a deep breath.

“Okay, listen,” he said, now calm and not taking the bait I dished out, “it just feels like you don’t confide in me as much as I to you. You never wanted to tell me about your struggle with suicide, but you told Jack with no problem? How do you think that made me feel?”

I was still seeing red. Suddenly, I had a desire to hurt him and push him away before he could do it to me. “Maybe because you’re never here for me to tell you anything! You say you’re always busy, but I don’t see you doing anything! Maybe you just want to leave me alone with Jack so you have a reason to leave me!”

To a normal person, I looked crazy. Mark is a normal person. He was bewildered at my sudden burst.

“I don’t want to leave you! Will you stop jumping to conclusions? Are you actually keeping something from me?”

“No! I just don’t understand why you don’t trust me or him! He’s your friend, and you know I would never do something to betray you!”

Just like I knew how to get him where it hurts, Mark knew how to throw it right back at me.

“Well… I figured there must be _some_ reason why we haven’t had sex.”

Oh, I wanted to pull my hair out. I wanted to cry. I wanted to physically push him out of my apartment.

“You know why that hasn’t happened!” I cried, my voice trembling. “I thought you understood that! I can’t believe you’re - I don’t-”

“What else am I supposed to think? You two are joined at the hip! All you have to do is-”

“Stop! Please, just _stop!”_

“Bella?”

My crying was actually wheezing. The pain in my chest was my heart racing and palpitating. Seeing red was actually seeing the room spin. Of all fucking times…

Mark was able to calm me down, but that was it. I was still hurt by what he said, hurt by the situation.The panic and anxiety was settled, but I still wanted to be away from him. This argument was still unresolved but I was too afraid to talk to him. My anxiety was only going to get in the way, like it always does.

“I think you should leave,” I managed to say softly. We were sat on the couch again, and I was laying my head on his shoulder, despite the circumstances.

“I think so too,” he agreed, moving to get up. “You’ll be okay, right?”

“It doesn’t matter, just go.”

Mark opened his mouth to say something, but instead let it go. He left my apartment without another word. Wonder if he’ll accuse Jack of anything and yell at him too. I also wondered if Mark was going to let him come back here or keep him quarantined. Would Mark really do that, though? Was he going to be that controlling?

Even though it wouldn’t help the situation, I wanted Jack here. I needed him to tell me that it was going to be okay. I needed reassurance, I needed a shoulder to cry on.

But why did I need Jack in particular? Why did I feel more comfortable with him? Did I want to spend a lot of time with him? Yes. Did I have feelings for him? Yes, but not in the sense that I wanted to date him or fall in love with him. Was I bad girlfriend to Mark for wanting to spend time with his friend? Did I just cost my relationship for a measly little friendship?

Or… maybe I wasn’t meant to have _any_ relationship. All I do is attract people and then I hurt them. Maybe I should just cut off what I have left.

I was sat on the couch for a while before I heard the door unlock. I quickly dashed into my room, knowing that it was probably Jack. He was the only other person who has a key to the apartment, something I now felt guilty for. As much as I needed him, I didn’t want to face him, so I locked my bedroom door and pretended to be asleep. However, I did wonder why he came back until I heard him do his typical video intro.

Surely Mark must have said something to him. When Mark is angry, he does not hide it. He’ll let you know if you’ve upset him. He and Jack are pretty close, so they definitely should have talked. I wanted to know, but I was far too emotionally compromised to face anyone.

I lied in bed and waited until Jack was finished filming. I thought about getting up to go and talk to him, but my stomach turned over. He had gotten here pretty late in the night, so he was probably more focused on getting his videos done. Or worse, he was mad at me too. I decided to do nothing, as usual.

After a couple of hours, his voice stopped and everything was silent. All I could hear was my own breathing. I could see light from the cracks on my door, and footsteps disrupt the brightness. My heart began to race when I heard a knock on the door.

“Bella? Can we talk?”

I stayed quiet, hoping to god he would think I was asleep.

“Please? If you’re upset with me, I’m sorry.” He sounded genuinely sympathetic, and that only brought tears to my eyes. Why would I be upset with him?

He gave up after a short while, stepping back to his room. I let out a sigh of relief, only to continue crying. I couldn’t remember the last time I cried myself to sleep. Actually, I don’t think I slept at all that much either. I was tossing and turning, unable to stay asleep, the whole argument with Mark playing in my head over and over. I just wanted to turn it all off, to stop thinking about it.

When the next morning came, Jack knocked again. This time, I audibly groaned.

“Bella,” he called, elongating the last syllable. “Please, can I come in?”

Reluctantly, I sat up, pulling back my covers. Any kind of confrontation usually makes me cry, but I probably cried myself dry last night. I pulled on my shorts once I got out of bed and then went to the door.

Jack had a very guilty look on his face, like he had done something wrong. It broke my heart even more, and then last night’s events played through my head again and I teared up.

“Aww, Bellers!” He opened his arms, but then hesitated. “I’m sorry…”

“You didn’t do anything!” I told him. “I’m not mad at you!” And I just flung myself into his arms, desperately needing some kind of comfort.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he told me, gently rubbing my back. “It’ll pass over.”

“Will it?” I replied, pulling back to look at him. “He was s-so angry… I f-feel awful…” Just as I said that, I became aware of the position we were in and I removed myself completely.

“Did… did you tell him about the conversation we had?” Jack asked.

“N-No… Imagine if I had. Did he say anything to you?”

“It doesn’t matter, I-”

“What did he say?” It was probably going to make me feel worse, but I had to know.

Jack hesitated, scratching the back of his head. “He asked if anything was going on between us. He asked why you’ve told me things you hadn’t told him… Um, he was angry and I couldn’t really take it anymore. I tried telling him that we’re just friends and that I would never betray him, but… I couldn’t stay there, because he started getting irrational. I had Ryan bring me back here, and I have a feeling that now Mark is taking it out on him and Matt too…”

I was right. It made me feel worse. Look at all of this shit I caused. Now lightheaded, I went to sit on the couch, and Jack followed.

“Listen, I’m so sorry that I got in between you guys,” he told me. “I should have made boundaries from the start.”

“This isn’t your fault!” I said, losing control of my words and sounds. “It’s all me, it’s my stupid disorders! _¡Si no fuera así, todo sería diferente! ¡Tuviera más amigos_ and my fucking boyfriend would actually want to be around me! _¡Odio ser asi! ¡Odio a mí mismo! ¿Porque no puedo ser normal?”_

I buried my face in my hands, knowing that Jack was giving me a look of pity or a look of confusion. I had only broke down like this in front of my therapist, someone who was actually qualified to handle people like me. It felt like everything had come crashing down, and all the progress I had made was for nothing.

“Bella…” Jack paused. “I don’t know what it is that you go through, but it doesn’t make you broken, and it doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re so much more than your anxiety, and if Mark, or anyone has made you feel like you’re broken or small or unworthy, then fuck them. They’re wrong.”

Maybe they’re right, though. Maybe I was small and unworthy. I come with a lot of baggage, it wouldn’t exactly be a shock if nobody wanted to be around me. It was actually a shock that Jack still wanted to be around me.

“He used my anxiety against me,” I said softly, tears still leaking out of my eyes. “He thinks I’m not attracted to him or that I don’t love him. I’m just so scared and anxious, it makes everything a thousand times harder. It’s hard to get close to somebody, it’s hard to do anything without second guessing your actions! _¡Pensé que entendía!_ I thought he understood that everything about me was going to be hard!”

Jack hesitated. “I mean… I know he gets a little crazy when he’s angry…”

“He was surprised that we’re actually friends,” I continued. “It’s like he doesn’t even think I’m capable of creating friendships. Lord knows it took forever for me to date him…” Another thought fell into my head. “Before you came here… did he ask you to hang out with me?”

“What? No, not at all!” he replied.

“You can be honest, I wouldn’t want to be around me, either.”

“Bella, how can you say that? I’m your friend, I’ll always be your friend, truly and honestly, one hundred percent. I’m so grateful that you’ve let me stay in your home, that you let me record here. I’m so happy that you’re able to trust me, I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you. I’d never lie to you about any of that.”

I still didn’t exactly believe it. I found myself fighting off making a look of confusion because I really couldn’t believe he was saying that, much less meaning it. However, I was done arguing. I had done enough of that last night. I couldn’t help but wonder if Mark would sit here with me at a moment like this, or if he would just ask me why I’m like this.

For once I would have an answer. It was because of Mark. He took my disorder and used it against me. Now I was left wondering if I had any disorder at all. Was I just being stupid this whole time? Was I just not attracted to my boyfriend at all? What if i just inherently hated people and any kind of intimacy? God, I was doing so well, and he just took all of that away from me.

“What do we do now?” I asked, trying to pull my mind away from that. “I mean, you and me. What’ll Mark think if we carry on like we normally do? What does he think, knowing that you’re here now?”

“Well,” Jack said in thought, “do I stay here with my friend’s girlfriend and make things look worse, or do I go back to his house so he can yell at me some more? I can’t think of anyone else who might let me stay with them. Maybe I can use one of the dorms on campus.”

As if I didn’t feel bad enough already. This wasn’t Jack’s fault. I didn’t want him to leave because of me. I didn’t want him to leave, period. I couldn’t be left alone in a state like this, I knew that much.

“No,” I told him. “Don’t leave. I’ll work it out with Mark whenever he cools down. This is your living space too, don’t let my dumb relationship problems get in the way of that.”

“Bella, I don’t know. I’m surprised he hasn’t come here yet to tell us off.”

“Well, it’s like he’s always telling me. He’s probably busy with something else.”


	9. Week 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "My heart is here, it's such a cause."

I didn’t expect a phone call, text message, or any interaction from Mark. I probably should have been the one to go to him. Apologize for being stupid and getting too close to his friend. However, given from the silence between us since that night, I figured that he wanted me to stay away. I wasn’t even sure if I could still call him my boyfriend, and that terrified me. I desperately wanted to talk to him, but he was angry with me and I couldn’t really blame him.

This silence only forced me and Jack to carry on as usual. We went to class together that morning, earlier than usual since we decided it was best not to go back to Mark’s while he was in this mood. This left me with no time to dress presentably or do any makeup, and Jack had to call his girlfriend and rely on her to get his videos uploaded. Not to mention, the car ride from my apartment all the way to YTU was much longer than if we had gone from Mark’s house.

Speaking of YTU, campus was even more empty these days. There were only about six weeks left in the semester. Six weeks until the place closed down for good. There was really no point in coming anymore, according to the students who lived in the area. I, on the other hand, needed to get my money’s worth from these fucking classes, and so did Jack.

“You feel like meeting people?” he asked, pointing out the small group of people standing around the entrance to the main parking lot.

The one day I didn’t put on makeup. I drove past the group and parked somewhat far from the main office. I thought about it as we got out of the car, but I didn’t have much choice. The group had followed my car to where we parked.

Technically, we weren’t supposed to meet fans here, but Jack was more than happy to break the rules since “there’s no one here to tell us we can’t!” Plus, campus was closing down anyway, so fuck it.

“You’re Bella Santiago, right?” one girl asked me, which was surprising. I thought they were here for Jack. “Can I get a selfie? I really love your videos!”

It happened very quickly. I smiled for the picture, the girl thanked me and went to get a picture with Jack. Another person came up to me, smiling wide.

“Your anxiety video made me cry! It was so touching!” she told me.

“Aw, thank you!” I replied, instantly a lot happier. “That means a lot!”

A sudden wave of praise came from the group, all of them saying that the video was really good. It made me feel warm and pleasant. So maybe I wasn’t so depressing after all. I was expecting to be brushed off, especially since most of the group seemed to know Jack. But they were all really kind.

However, it didn’t last long. A campus security guard whisked us away, and practically yelled at the group to get off property. Jack and I pretty much had no choice but to follow him inside the main office.

“You guys are not allowed to interact with fans, you know that, right?” he told us sternly. “You’re only going to attract more people here.”

“Well, it’s not like we asked them to come over here,” I said back. “The place is closing anyway, why does it matter?”

Jack gave me an incredulous look as we walked through the main office. It wasn’t exactly typical of me to talk back, and he had never seen me be this way before.

“I’m just doing my job, Miss,” the guard told me before walking off.

I rolled my eyes and went out to the courtyard. That’s when Jack finally spoke.

“I’ve never heard you talk like that before,” he said. “You sounded really… ballsy.”

I chuckled. “I guess when it comes to the people who watch my videos, I take no shit.”

“That’s good. Really bold of you.”

It wasn’t until we got to class that we both tweeted out apologies to the people we met in the parking lot. I had to refrain from ranting publicly. Instead, I focused on what it was like to meet those people. In my time of have a sizeable following, I was noticed seldomly. It wasn’t until I was associated with Mark did it start happening more. You would think being approached by random people would make my anxiety spike…

Instead, it just made me tired and irritable. By the time we got home from class, I was looking forward to a ten year nap. Jack was still peppy and perky and talking off my last nerves. However, being the avoidant little shit I was, I just let him be. Listening to him also meant I could avoid checking my phone for any interaction from Mark. I really didn’t want to be the one to start that conversation.

“So, are we going to record today?” That was the only thing I caught from his long ramble.

I thought about it. “Are you up for it?”

“Yeah!”

We were supposed to make a video for my channel today. I had to do that today. Despite everything, this had to be done. I couldn’t be a stick in the mud.

“Okay,” I said, my eyes trailing up to Jack’s hair. “How overdue are you for dying your hair?”

He ran his fingers through the faded green locks in thought. I could see his brown roots peeking out and I almost audibly gasped. I had to get my hands on them.

“You wanna do that for a video?” he asked.

“Is it a bad idea? We could do something else…”

“No, no it’s your channel, you hold all the cards here.”

~

“Hey guys, it’s Bella!” I greeted happily to the camera set up in the living room. “Today I’m here with my friend Jack, and I’m gonna dye his hair and bleach his roots.”

Jack was sitting in a chair in front of me, a towel over himself. His hair was slightly all over the place, given that I was touching it and messing with it earlier to see what exactly I needed to do for this look. He was pretty pleased about this, given that I wasn’t going to charge him for doing this for him. He needed a new coat of green hair, and I needed a new video to post. It’s a win-win.

“So, this is partly a tutorial and partly two friends hanging out,” I explained.

“Twice the fun,” Jack said in a mock happy tone.

“Let’s get started!”

I mixed the bleach in a plastic bowl with a brush and explained how to do so before applying it to Jack’s roots. I also read off the box just to make sure I wasn’t doing anything wrong. “‘Do not use if you are not a licensed cosmetologist.’ Oops!”

“You’re not licensed?” Jack asked in mock surprised. “You’re a fraud!”

“Whoops, you caught me!”

“No, but really, didn’t you go to beauty school?”

“I did, but I never finished it because of YTU. So technically, I shouldn’t be allowed near these products.”

I continued applying the bleach, surprisingly at ease. Hair knowledge was right underneath my makeup knowledge, and it was fun getting my hands on some hair again. Although, since it was only the top of Jack’s head that needed the fix, the first step was done a lot quicker than expected.

“Somehow I forgot that you don’t have that much hair to bleach and dye,” I pointed out. “How much time do you usually spend in a salon?”

“Oh god, like two hours,” he replied, rolling his eyes. “It takes forever!”

“Dude, my hair takes at least four or five hours,” I told him, pointing to my long, black and pink ombre. “You’re lucky!”

“How can you be so patient? I go crazy just sitting in the chair!”

“It’s fun for me.” I smiled.

The next step after washing off the bleach was the color. I chose a vibrant green that wasn’t too off from previous shades that Jack has had before. For me, this was the easiest part.

“With bleach, you have to be careful not to leave it on for too long,” I explained, “especially with darker hair because it’s very easy to damage it a lot. So you have to constantly keep an eye on it and see how quickly the hair catches onto it. With the actual color, you just have to apply it and wait it out. Usually the formula will have some type of vitamins and stuff that’s good for the hair. But it’s still a good idea to get some hydrating conditioners and other hair products on the side.”

“See, I wish my hairdresser in Ireland had told me this,” Jack said. “Everything makes a lot more sense now!”

Once we finished and cleaned everything up, Jack had wonderful, bright green hair. I was relieved I hadn’t lost my hair styling skills over time. As soon as the camera turned off, I pretty much hid away in my bedroom, the depression returning. I crawled into bed and sighed in relief. I couldn’t shake the feeling of dread and gloominess for some reason. It was like I drained the last of my energy in that video.

I scrolled on my phone, looking at the pictures that were posted from the impromptu meetup earlier. I looked awful without my makeup. How could people see me as a beauty guru? How could I go outside looking like that?

So much for finding comfort on Twitter… I went to Tumblr instead, and I had to resist making a long, rambly post. Then I realized that no one would want to see a wall of text clog up their dash. I just looked at my feed, reblogging pictures of makeup I already owned, liking posts people mentioned me in. There were cute edits and gifsets of me and Mark, which only made my heart ache.

I wasn’t sure why I got so angry with him. Maybe I did get too close to Jack. Maybe I had done things that gave off the wrong idea. Or maybe I just wasn’t attracted to Mark and that’s why I didn’t want to get into bed with him. Maybe I was just faking my anxiety this whole time.

~

It felt like time was going slow, or not moving at all. I wasn’t sure if I had fallen asleep or gotten up at all. I could only tell time by the sound of Jack’s voice outside my door. He was recording his own videos and acting like everything was okay. I wish I knew how to act like that off camera.

I started feeling restless and antsy when his voice finally stopped. A constant background noise was something I needed, otherwise I’d go crazy. I rolled onto my side, listening for any kind of sound to break the silence. No footsteps, movements, or anything from the TV did that. It was like Jack had disappeared. Wouldn’t blame him.

Honestly, though, I still didn’t want to interact with anyone. I just liked hearing someone else in the apartment. I went to take a shower. Any sound from there would block out the ongoing gloom in my head.

I pretty much just sat there. Actual hygiene wasn’t important to me at the moment. The water was hitting my scalp and, while it was deteriorating the black and pink dye in my hair, it felt good. It gave me a sense of feeling again. Like a breath of fresh air, except it was water. I coughed and choked. It was better than not feeling anything.

When I was out of the shower and getting dressed, I heard noise within the apartment. I heard voices. Angry voices. Maybe I really did go crazy. Although, the mere thought did make me leave my room to actually make sure that wasn’t true.

I found Jack and Mark standing in the living room. They went quiet as soon as I showed up. The air was tense, making my stomach flip over. To be honest, I didn’t expect Mark to show up so soon.

“You still let him stay here?” he asked me in disbelief.

_Yes I did, and I’m so sorry. Please don’t leave me. I’m so sorry for being a terrible girlfriend, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…_

Those words were rising up my throat, ready to be puked out. I was fighting with myself not to speak those words. I couldn’t apologize for letting my friend live here.

“It was me,” Jack spoke up. “I asked if I could still stay here. I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize how bad the situation was.”

“You’re telling me,” Mark began, not sounding any less angry, “that even after I told you how uncomfortable I was with you living with my girlfriend, you still had the nerve to ask her if you could still keep living here?”

Jack gulped, clearly intimidated. “Yes.”

“What kind of friend are you?”

“Oh my god!” I snapped, my body trembling with nerves. I couldn’t control my mouth. “You’re the one who made him stay here in the first place! You’re the one who pushed us to be friends! You’re the one who felt enough pity for me to fly your friend out here and talk to me because I can’t do that on my own! ¿ _Y sabes que?_ You don’t get to be angry that Jack and I are friends now! You don’t get to be angry because he’s here for me more than you are, that’s on you! So don’t come crying over here _quejando y quejando_ because you’re the one who made all this happen in the first place!”

I was breathing heavily and my chest was hurting. Mark and Jack had their mouths open in shock. When have they ever heard me speak this way? I didn’t think I could speak this way either.

Thankfully, the silence didn’t last long. Mark sighed and nodded to my open bedroom door. “Room.”

Still fuming, I turned on my heel and went to my room, Mark quickly following my trail. Before I shut the door, I saw Jack quickly scurry over to his room to hide. Lucky him, he gets to sit this one out.

“What do you mean he’s here for you more?” Mark asked, breathing like he was trying to keep himself steady. “What do you mean by that?”

“Exactly that, you’re never here,” I told him. “And you asked Jack to move here, without so much as giving me a heads up!”

“I didn’t ask him, I told him that you had an extra room, and you were happy to let him stay!” Mark justified.

“Because you put me on the spot! That doesn’t matter now anyway, I’m actually glad he’s my roommate, because as I said, he’s my friend and he’s there for me!”

“Stop saying that!” Mark nearly yelled, making me flinch. However, he took a step back and lowered his tone. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry if you feel like I’ve been neglecting you. I have been busy, I’ve been going to meetings and making videos, and this tour thing. I do all of this while you’re on campus, and I try to get things done, I do. Aside from that, I’ve got Matt and Ryan, and it’s like I’m raising kids! I’m not trying to use that as an excuse either, but I am sorry I can’t always be here. It’s not fair to you.”

Time management was something we had established when we first started dating. For some reason, I didn’t think it was going to be this hard. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything at all. This was all part of the vlogger dating experience, after all.

“So you’re not avoiding me?” I asked.

“Of course not.”

“I wouldn’t blame you if you were, I know I’m a handful.”

“Don’t say that, Bella. I know things are hard right now, but I will make a better effort to be with you.”

I paced around the room to avoid looking at him. “Okay… so, what about Jack?”

Mark shrugged. “What about him?”

“Am I not allowed to be friends with him anymore? He’s the only friend I’ve got.” I hated saying that, it just emphasized my patheticness.

It felt worse when Mark hesitated. “I don’t know. Do you really not have anyone else?”

“No…” I said softly. “No, and it sucks. I only have you and him, two whole people. And I know I should try to talk to more people, but god you have no idea how hard it is!”

“I know. You deserve to have friends, even if it’s only one or two. I’m sorry I made a big deal out of you and Jack. I just want you to trust me,” Mark confessed. “I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it must be for you, and I’m sorry if I made it harder. Just know that I am here for you, whenever you need me. I promise.”

That’s a big word that adds more pressure. But who was I to deny him? Words could only do so much, but god I couldn’t go down to have only one friend. Especially if that friend wasn’t going to stay here permanently.

“Okay,” I said. “Fine…”

“Okay.” Mark sighed.

_Don’t lose this one. He’s all you’ve got. You lose him, you lose everything..._


	10. Week 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "A long term plan with short term fixes."

Having anxiety disorder means that sometimes you’re not able to do what you want. Sometimes you have to sacrifice things for your mental health. Sometimes it’s the other way around, but it’s not always for something you want. There are times where you have to sacrifice your mental health for necessary everyday things like answering the phone, going to the store, and even driving to places that make you deeply uncomfortable.

 

I wasn’t exactly sad that I was missing PAX East this year. While I did enjoy video games from time to time, and while I did support my boyfriend and what he did, conventions weren’t my scene. Okay, that’s somewhat of a lie. I really wanted to go, I just hated the method of transportation: flying.

 

Yeah… no. Being stuck in a small space in the air for an extended amount of time is absolutely terrifying. That single fear has made me turn down several opportunities. I couldn’t go to Playlist Live, I couldn’t collab with several major makeup brands, and I most definitely couldn’t go to any PAX. 

 

Just driving the boys to the airport gave me heart palpitations and sweaty palms. I wasn’t even going on the plane, why did I have to be such a baby about it? I wasn’t even brave enough to go inside the damn building to see the boys off. I parked the car in one of the loading zones in front of the entrance and got out to say goodbye.

 

“You sure you’ll be fine?” asked Mark, who went to get the luggage out of the trunk.

 

“Yeah, don’t worry about it,” I replied, ignoring the disbelieving looks from Matt and Ryan. At least they saw me for what I was: a mess.

 

“Just call me if you need anything,” Mark told me. Things I’ve heard before. Things I probably wouldn’t do unless I was actually dying.

 

“Okay.” Empty promises.

 

The tension had gone down slightly over the last couple of weeks. Mark was okay with letting Jack live at my place, but Jack was still weirdly silent and tiptoeing around everything. I wondered how they would survive the weekend together. I wondered if any fans would notice the bad energy. I wondered if they would know it was my fault.

 

After getting out their luggage, Mark closed the trunk. “Okay, well. Our flight takes off soon, so we’d better get going.”

 

I went to hug my boyfriend, who was surprised at the gesture. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders, giving me a little squeeze.

 

“I’ll miss you,” I told him sincerely.

 

“I’ll miss you too, babe.”

 

I let him go and then I hugged Jack goodbye. Again, he was strangely quiet, but I didn’t know what to say to him either. I couldn’t really say anything without fearing that Mark was going to give him shit about it. I didn’t want to send him off onto another fight with Mark. I was already worrying before they even left.

 

~

 

Almost as soon as I got back to Mark’s empty house, I got a phone call. At first, I thought that one of the boys had forgotten something, but then I looked at the caller ID. It was Sophie, which was a little shocking. I rarely spoke to her outside of YTU, and I did not have the energy or courage to answer, so I left my phone face down on the counter and went to tend to Chica.

 

The afternoon was spent playing with my boyfriend’s dog and then editing my latest video in my boyfriend’s room. Chica sat at my feet, chewing on a bone. That was the only noise throughout the house, aside from the voices of myself and Jack on the computer.

 

Watching back the footage of me and Jack was rather entertaining. You wouldn’t think that there was something else going on behind the scenes. You couldn’t tell that we were feeling guilty or sad. In fact, this was a side of me that my audience rarely saw.

 

The Bella Santiago in this bleaching/hair dyeing tutorial was smiling. She was enjoying herself, she was laughing with her friend. She wasn’t ranting about politics or equality, or sweating from getting so fired up. I couldn’t remember the last time I was so upbeat in a video. It was strange.

 

_ “Now, I haven’t bleached or styled hair in a while. So if you end up bald, then forgive me.” _

 

_ “Should I be worried, then? You’re actually Googling how to do this!” _

 

_ “Shhh,  _ no te preocupes, _ I just have to refresh my memory.” _

 

The whole video was just banter. Two friends laughing together and having fun. Of course, the Internet was going to take it differently, but we had that coming regardless. There was always going to be someone who hated me for being around Jack and someone who wanted me to replace his current girlfriend. That’s just how this life was. There wasn’t much that could be done about it.

 

I kept editing until I had to take Chica outside. It was nearly dark by then, and I had a sudden spike of energy. I was scrolling through my phone, rapidly going through my Twitter feed. I was singing to myself too, something I was listening to in the car on the way back from the airport. Then I saw a promoted tweet for Demi Lovato’s latest single,  _ Stone Cold.  _ I was humming that to myself for a good while. Then, I figured, I had the house to myself, and Mark had a guitar and keyboard here somewhere.

 

I brought Chica back inside and then got right to work. I dashed through the house, grabbing lights and a camera. I set them up in front of the couch in the living room, all while warming up my voice. Finally, I grabbed the guitar from Mark's room and practically ran downstairs to my recording area.

 

Ironically, I didn't start with  _ Stone Cold.  _ I was playing a different song,  _ Airplanes,  _ on the guitar, and next thing I knew I was singing it.

 

_ “Most of my life, I sat on my hands _

_ I don't make a sound _

_ Getting it right, I made all my plans  _

_ Lost, never found” _

 

Somehow I always found a song that I could relate to. It was the only way I could express my feelings without outwardly talking about them. I didn't know how to name my emotions either, according to Helena, so singing songs was a healthy outlet.

 

_ “Airplanes cut through the clouds _

_ Like angels can fly, we'll never die _

_ Sirens cut through the night _

_ Like screams set on fire, rising up high  _

_ I've got something to prove, nothing to lose _

_ In this city, in this city, oh” _

 

When I finished that song, I was in a different mood. I set the guitar aside and went to stop recording. Thinking, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and looked through my music. I had to find something. Anything for me to attach whatever I was feeling to. I started tapping my foot anxiously, and nearly jumped when I found the song I needed. If I could sprint while carrying expensive camera equipment, I would have. I was careful but quick going back up the stairs to where the keyboard was in Mark’s room.

 

“Okay, okay, okay,” I whispered, my mind buzzing so hard I couldn’t properly focus. “Okay, okay, new shirt, new shirt, okay, okay…”

 

I yanked off my grey tee shirt and put on a black crop top. Then I went over to make sure the camera was recording and that the lights were on. Everything was set, so I took my place at the keyboard and played the song.

 

I sang. I made it through a Little Mix cover before I started shaking. Then I made it through my Demi Lovato cover and everything was fine until it wasn’t. We all know that was bound to happen.

 

~

 

“Bella Santiago, age twenty three, admitted to psych after having a two hour long panic attack and a psychotic episode,” reported a nurse to a doctor.

 

Surely I had to be sedated. There were two people talking about me right in front of my face and I didn’t feel the dull ache in my chest or the flipping of my stomach. I just lied there in bed and listened, keeping my eyes fixed on my feet. I was itching at my arms incessantly but I was generally complacent and well behaved.

 

“How are you feeling, Ms. Santiago?” asked the woman in the white lab coat, Dr. Starr.

 

Hmm, tough question. Too much pressure. My eyes widened as if she had asked me to murder someone.

 

“Well, let’s check your pulse,” she said, probably reading my ugly, unstable body language.

 

Hesitantly, I gave her my arm and she placed two fingers on my wrist. Fast. Panicky. Why couldn’t I be dead?

 

Once Dr. Starr saw my arm and the redness, she ordered for the nurse to prep me for some tests. Then she asked me if I was allergic to anything, or anything that could have caused this “rash.” I played dumb and said no. They were already prepping the medical stuff, so it was too late to mention that it was an anxiety thing. When situations got really drastic, I just scratched at my arms as if they were very itchy. It was rare, and for some reason, this was a drastic situation.

 

“Now, is there anyone you want us to call in the meantime?” Dr. Starr asked me once her medical talk with the nurses was over.

 

Mark. But he’s been in Boston for twenty four hours. He hasn’t had much time with his fans or his friends. I couldn’t take him away from that or have him worry. He was probably still mad at me too.

 

“No,” I replied shortly.

 

Dr. Starr tilted her head. “No family? Close friends?”

 

“I have no friends, and my family want nothing to do with me,” I mumbled, now pickin at my nails.

 

“Well, your family must be wondering where you are…”

 

“They haven’t wondered for five years.”

 

Uncomfortable silence.

 

“I see,” the doctor concluded. “Well, Ms. Santiago, can you tell me what were you doing before this happened?”

 

Here we go.

 

“Singing,” I replied. “Then I started panicking. I thought I was dying, or that I completely lost it.”

 

“Have you been hospitalized for panic attacks before?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Okay. Well, we’re going to be monitoring you for the next couple of days.”

 

I could only hope I would be out of here by Monday. I wasn’t even sure how bad I was anymore. Surely they wouldn’t make me tell them who to call. I wasn’t suicidal, I didn’t intentionally harm myself. This had happened before, and I was alone, then too. This wasn’t anything to worry about, right?

 

The nurse didn’t let me go on my phone. If it wasn’t for the TV, then I really would have lost it. I couldn’t be without some kind of distraction. I couldn’t even figure out what exactly made me go here. According to the people here at the hospital, I had a psychotic episode. Or maybe I told them that. I couldn’t really remember.

 

Blood was drawn from me a little bit later. Me, being me, I cried. Test results stated that I had no type of skin rash. It wasn’t until Dr. Starr got me out of bed and to a psychiatrist’s office within the hospital did I actually reveal that it was due to anxiety.

 

“How often does this happen?” the psychiatrist, Dr. Francis asked. “Have you ever gotten these itches treated before?”

 

“No, it almost never happens,” I replied. It was getting easier to talk to people around here. Maybe it was the sedation. Or the fact that he was qualified to handle me made it more comforting. “Last time I was in the hospital, I was itchy too, and it was because of anxiety.”

 

“Okay, well I can prescribe something for that. Maybe a low dosage since it happens rarely,” he said, writing on a clipboard.

 

Oh no, medication talk. I never wanted to take medication… says Bella, who has never had a mentally stable day of her life and wonders why.

 

“May I ask, why you didn’t have anyone call someone for you?” Dr. Francis had questions I did not want to answer. Why couldn’t he asked me about my maladaptive behaviors or something?

 

I hesitated. “I don’t have anyone.”

 

“No parents or siblings? A boyfriend, perhaps?”

 

I shook my head, avoiding eye contact.

 

Dr. Francis sighed. “Forgive me for being forward, Ms. Santiago. But I have a daughter who watches Markiplier.”

 

God fucking shit of a fuck.

 

“I’m not in danger of killing myself or harming myself or anything,” I said. “I don’t think there’s any reason to notify him. He’s on the other side of the country right now, anyway.”

 

“Do you feel like you would be bothering him if you told him?”

 

“He’s just so busy, and we just got over a fight we had. I want everything to stay perfect.”

 

“What exactly is he busy with right now, Bella?”

 

“He’s at a convention in Boston. He’s doing YouTube stuff, and I don’t like to interrupt him. Like, it’s just me and my anxiety again. It’s just repetitive and kind of unnecessary.”

 

Dr. Francis asked me more questions, and the more I talked, the more I realized how crazy I was sounding. Turns out, I wasn’t buying makeup because I loved makeup. I bought things to fill the sense of emptiness and dissatisfaction in my life. I sang excessively because I couldn’t bear the thought of facing my actual feelings head on. I wasn’t constantly tired from walking around campus, I was just severely depressed. I didn’t want to tell Mark I was in the hospital because he was busy, it was because I was depressed I felt like I wasn’t worth his time.

 

It’s not like I wasn’t aware of all of this, it was just a tough pill to swallow. And now because of it, I really did have to take pills. I had to make friends with a little lady called xanax.

 

When I went back to my room, the nurse let me go on my phone. I was cooperative and unproblematic, so I got a small privilege. I sent out a tweet talking about how productive I was the last couple of days, which wasn’t really a lie. After that, I checked my text messages. All of them were from Mark.

 

_ “We landed! How are you?”  _ Sent at 3:04PM.

 

_ “Had a meeting, then went to dinner with the gang!”  _ Attached was a picture of Mark, Jack, Matt, and Ryan. They were sat at a table in a restaurant with Bob, Mandy, Wade and Molly. Sent at 10:11PM.

 

_ “You’re awfully silent. Everything okay?”  _ Sent at midnight.

 

Now it was time to lie. Well, sort of.

 

_ “Hi! Sorry for not replying!! I spent literally all day filming! I made three whole videos! I went to sleep right after haha hope you’re having fun at pax!!”  _ Accompanied by several emojis so nothing seemed fishy.

  
I wasn’t lying. I did spend a majority of the day filming. I didn’t feel as nervous as I normally would have, thanks to the xanax. I had next to no problem giving my phone back to the nurse, not even waiting for a response from Mark. He was probably too busy to answer me anyway.


	11. Week 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Push my luck from trust to dust..."

When I was discharged, I only had time to speed over to Mark’s house, feed Chica, and then speed over to the airport. I had no choice but to miss human sexuality class, and I wasn’t that bothered by it. I was surprisingly calm, thanks to the Xanax. I didn’t expect it to work so quickly. Although I did feel that sinking sensation in my chest when I parked at LAX and realized I hadn’t taken off the bracelets from the hospital.

The bracelets were too big to slide off by themselves. I nearly panicked before I remembered to look in the glove department. I reached over and pulled it open, digging inside to find the pocket knife I kept there. I was relieved to cut off the bracelets and hide them in a nearby bush.

It wasn’t until I was about to walk towards the actual building (Xanax was making things a lot easier) did I get a text from Mark.

_“Flight got delayed. Not sure how long we’ll be here in Boston. I’ll keep you updated, love you!”_

Well, fuck me. I was going to be alone for longer than planned. I walked back to the car, actually glad I didn’t have to go inside the scary building. I replied to Mark, asking what had happened, where they were, and if everything was okay. I was starting to worry, so to numb it, I made a run to Sephora.

Despite how many people took up space inside the lavish store, I felt at ease. Makeup was something I knew in and out. It was calming and therapeutic, I was in my element as I looked over which products I could take home. However, I jumped when I heard my name called over by the Tarte counter. So much for my happy place.

I turned to where I heard the voice, and I was surprised to find Sophie approaching me. She was accompanied by her friend Aria Mercer, who was in yoga class with me and Jack. _Oh the intimidation._

“Hi,” I greeted, my shoulders immediately going tense.

“Didn’t expect to see you here,” Sophie told me. “Well, I mean, in town. I thought you went to PAX with Jack?”

Oh right. She and Jack spoke a lot during human sexuality class. He mentioned the weekend plans to her. And here I was now, looking like an asshole for not going with him.

“No, uh, I didn’t go,” I said, trying not to stutter. “I, um, can’t do planes.”

Both Sophie and Aria nodded understandingly. I internally sighed in relief.

“This is Aria, by the way,” said my blonde classmate. “I don’t think you guys have properly met.”

I awkwardly waved at the shorter of the pair. Just like in yoga, Aria looked like she didn’t want to be here.

“We have a class together,” she said monotonously.

“Yeah…”

“So what brings you here, Bella?” asked Sophie, who had a knack for cutting away the awkwardness.

“Nothing,” I replied. “Just… went to pick up my boyfriend and Jack and their other friends from the airport. But they got delayed.”

Out of all the Sephora stores in the Los Angeles area, this had to be the one where I ran into people I knew. But  didn’t want to be rude. I kept talking to them, despite how badly I wanted to get out of the situation. I preferred doing all my shopping either alone or online for a reason, I couldn’t focus on what I originally wanted to buy. I couldn’t even bring myself to make an excuse to leave, even though I had plenty. Anxiety, editing, waiting for my boyfriend to land. I had things to do!

By the time we were out of Sephora, Sophie and Aria had some products I recommended to them, and I only had plans to collab with Aria. The only reason why I said yes was because our videos were going to be entirely in Spanish. I always told myself I needed more Spanish speaking friends, more gay friends, more friends in general.

“So do you wanna go to lunch with us?” asked Sophie, who didn’t seem to know when to leave me alone.

_I have to take Chica for a walk, I have to wait for my boyfriend to fly in at any given moment, I have to take my fucking xanax._ Why couldn’t I say any of these? How polite did I have to be?

“Hey Soph,” Aria spoke up, placing her hand on her friend’s shoulder. “Did I, uh, tell you that, uh, Dan called me the other day?”

The blonde suddenly stopped in her tracks, placing her hand over her heart. She turned to her short friend in shock, her mouth agape. Then, she looked at me.

“I’m sorry, Bella. We gotta go.”

I’ll have to thank Aria later.

~

The boys were still stuck on the east coast. It was rolling onto day two of their delay, and I wasn’t really that bothered. I blamed the Xanax.

“I’m so sorry this is happening,” Mark told me over the phone. “Are you okay by yourself?”

“Everything’s fine,” I replied. “It’s just me and Chica. We’re good.”

“Really? You sure?” Mark sounded a bit surprised. “I know you must be worried, we’re trying really hard to get home. Agh, this is cutting into recording time! I was supposed to make videos for the New York trip.”

“Babe, it’s fine,” I said. “Some things are out of our control. And, your fans are really understanding. A few days without videos won’t hurt them.”

“I know, I just can’t help but feel bad… But you’re right. It is out of our control.”

“Yeah…”

“Anyway, I’ll let you know when we’ve got a flight. I love you.”

“Love you too.”

It was almost scary how calm I was. I went about the day, editing the one video I really wanted to get out there. Maybe with this free time, I could make more. I managed to finish up my collab with Jack and got that published. I was originally going to post it over the weekend, but given the series of events that my brain put me through, it was delayed.

While I waited for those comments to pile up, I looked at my covers. _Airplanes, Little Me,_ and _Stone Cold._ I didn’t regret recording those covers, I just hated the sound of my voice in the first song. I decided to work on those later, maybe with Mark or Jack so they could give me a second opinion. That, and I couldn’t bring myself to focus on it.

Then, a thought occurred to me. Mark had been taking singing lessons and practicing guitar. Plenty of people online had been wanting us to sing together. It wasn’t a bad idea at all, I wanted it just as much. Mark was still insecure about his own voice, though, and I didn’t want to rush him into it. But now that I was thinking about it, I couldn’t help but shoot him a quick text about it.

It’s not that I’ve never sung with Mark before either. We just had brief moments in the car (when I was driving - he likes to drive in silence) where he picked up bits and pieces of the songs I listen to. I wondered if I really could get him to sing with me for a video.

~

“Are you sure, Bellaboo?” he asked a couple of days later.

The boys were stuck in Boston for a total of three days before they finally got a plane back to LA. Mark hadn’t seen my text about singing until I mentioned it when they were all back home. But now that I had him with me, along with the magic of Xanax (that none of the boys knew about), I felt a little more determined to get him to do this for me.

“Yes! Just practice a little more, I’ll help you,” I told him, bouncing slightly in my seat. “Do it because you love me.”

Mark stopped typing on his laptop and sighed. It was easy to tell he had other stuff on his mind, and usually I would just leave it alone. But he was my boyfriend and I wanted to do things with him, especially since we haven’t gone on a proper date in a while.

“Okay,” he spoke. “Pick a song for us, and I’ll listen to it. Can we do it after New York, though?”

I was happy with that response. “Yes.” I leaned up and kissed him on the cheek.

Despite that, things weren’t exactly back to normal. It felt like I only saw Jack when I picked him up from the airport. Now he was spending time at my apartment, recording a ton of videos for the next upcoming trip. He was missing class in order to edit everything, at least he was until he got an email from a guy named Robin. Now, Jack was missing class only to record videos and that was it.

He and Mark were going to go to New York for YouTube’s annual Creator’s Summit. The platform’s biggest voices were expected to go, and of course, Jack and Mark were on that list. Obviously, I wasn’t going due to anxiety and the fact that I had less than a million subscribers. I wasn’t bothered by it, honestly. I had seen far too many group activities and audience participation shows in other people’s vlogs from the last summit, and that was enough to put me off from the whole thing. Not that I was ever invited in the first place.

Anyway, since the time between returning from the east coast and going back to the east coast was so small, stress levels were going up at Mark’s house. Honestly, Jack was lucky he was recording at my apartment. He didn’t have to hear the arguments that went down between Mark, Matt, and Ryan. I mean, the three of them working together wasn’t always perfect, but these days it felt like it was getting worse.

“I told you how I wanted it done!” Mark snapped from the hallway. “You’re not listening to me, Matt!”

“You said I can put in my own ideas!” Matt argued, not raising his voice as loud. “Why is it a fucking problem all of a sudden!?”

“It doesn’t matter! I told you how I wanted this video to be done, and I expect it to turn out that way! So stop wasting time!”

I quickly dashed into the bathroom before Mark could enter the room. I really didn’t want to get involved in any of that.

My stomach sank when I found my bottle of Xanax sticking out from my makeup bag that was sitting on the counter. Quickly, I emptied out the bag, stuck the bottle at the bottom of it and then covered it with all my makeup products. You would think I’d remember to hide it.

Then, it dawned on me. I never wanted to take medication, despite the amount of times it was suggested to me by many doctors _and_ my therapist. Now that I was on it, I did feel much better, but I couldn’t help but think further down the line. How was I going to feel without them? If I felt something going wrong, would I run to this orange transparent bottle to make everything better? Would I be able to keep this from Mark?

I wanted to be a functional person. But I couldn’t do it secretly, and I certainly couldn’t do it alone. At the same time, I didn’t want to tell Mark that I spent time in the hospital while he was at PAX and refused to call him. He was angry enough at Matt and Ryan for whatever reason, I didn’t want him to be mad at me too.

~

I pretty much ran for the hills once Jack and Mark left to New York. I couldn’t let myself be alone with Matt and Ryan for more than an hour. I was sure the feeling was mutual. We had never really gotten along, and that was due to my social anxiety and their inadvertent insensitivity.

Aside from that, things were sort of in favor for me. The day after Jack and Mark were gone, I had my follow up appointment with Dr. Francis. I went over to his office with a strange ease, despite the things I had to go over with him.

“Hello, Bella, how has your week been?” he asked, giving me a warm smile as I sat in the arm chair across from him.

“Good,” I replied, because that’s what you’re supposed to say when someone asks that.

Dr. Francis, being the doctor he is, took it literally. “So your mood has been stable? Or good things have happened?”

“Um… I haven’t had any bad days,” I said, which was mostly true.

“The Xanax is helping, I presume?”

I hesitated, shifting in my seat. “Yes. I haven’t felt so… calm, in a really long time.”

“That’s good to hear,” Dr. Francis said.

“But I wanna get off of it,” I continued. “Aside from the side effects, I feel like it’s emphasizing how crazy I am.” And so help me god if Mark ever found out.

Dr. Francis nodded and then wrote some stuff down on a clipboard. “What side effects are you experiencing?”

I explained bits and pieces I could remember, like not being able to focus on things and my lack of appetite. I also explained that I knew there were things that were out of the ordinary, I just couldn’t remember them.

“But besides that,” I went on, “I just don’t like the fact that I have to take a pill in order to function like a normal person. And I really don’t like that I could get addicted to the thing that made me function normally.”

He looked at me for a while, probably wanting to react even though he wasn’t supposed to. I was about to take back my decision, but then he began telling me how I was going to go about withdrawals.

~

Without the Xanax - or so, the thought of being without it - I was sat in the car outside of Mark’s house. I knew Matt and Ryan were home because their cars were in the driveway, and it brought all sorts of pains to my chest.

Did I really need my brand new makeup brushes? Did I have to do my makeup at all? Did I really need to film more tutorials? I mean, I did have plenty of brushes at my apartment, but like I said, these were new. Being the stupid girl I am, I had them shipped to Mark’s house because I didn’t think I would be running from there.

Eventually, I took in a deep breath and opened the car door. I exhaled slowly when I was out, and then I inhaled as I approached the front door. Exhaled when I unlocked it. Relief when Chica came running to greet me. However, it was quickly taken away by the sound of footsteps coming towards me.

It was Matt. “So what’d you forget?”

“I-I ordered something,” I replied, avoiding eye contact as I walked past him.

“Oh yeah, Ryan put the package in Mark’s room,” Matt said, sounding disturbingly intimidating.

I nodded once and went towards there, but then he spoke again.

“Along with your meds.”

Sometimes, my anxiety likes to mess around with my head and make me think there’s danger when there isn’t. I feel like today was a day where my anxiety wasn’t messing with me. Maybe I was so paranoid because Matt found out about my medication and my body was warning me about it.

“Wha-What are you talking about?” I asked softly, turning around but still not looking directly at him.

“What is it? Xanax? Prozac? Lexapro?” he asked. “Does Mark even know you’re on meds?”

“No! Please don’t tell him!” I snapped suddenly. “I-I’m getting off of them, anyway! I’m sorry, just please don’t tell him! And make sure Ryan doesn’t say anything either!”

Matt just looked at me for a second. “Why don’t you want him to know?”

“He’s under a lot of stress, he doesn’t need to worry about me and my craziness.” I sounded stupid and pathetic, but that was the only excuse I had.

“You think he’ll yell if he finds out? Like the way he yells at me and Ryan? Although, I wouldn’t expect you to know anything about that since you’re conveniently out of the room when he goes off,” Matt told me, folding his arms.

I shrugged, feeling even worse.

He pressed on. “Just get Mark to lay off and calm down, and I won’t tell him.”

“Fine,” I said.

After that, I went upstairs to Mark’s room. I found the package and Xanax sitting on the desk. I quickly snatched them up and shoved them into my purse. Then I looked around the room, searching for anything else I could take with me.

“Hey, Bella,” said Ryan’s voice from the door. When I turned to him, he smiled. “Happy birthday.”

Right. I was twenty four today. All I kept thinking about was getting off my meds. Well, that and Cinco De Mayo. I hadn’t properly celebrated my birthday since my 20th. That was mainly because I didn’t really have anyone to celebrate with, and I wouldn’t have liked the attention anyway. It was kind of sad, but I tried not to think about it too hard. It was just one day out of the whole year. It just meant I was another year closer to death.

“Thanks,” I replied, deciding not to be a Debby Downer.

~

It was already past my birthday by the time Mark and Jack returned from New York, but they still surprised me with an ice cream cake. I was relieved that they didn’t make a huge deal out of it. Although, it felt like that was only because the tension returned once the cake ran out.

Mark’s anger wasn’t getting any better. I constantly overheard him arguing with Matt and Ryan over any little thing. He pretty much lost it because Matt offered to take Chica outside.

We were in his room. I was sat on the bed, scrolling on my laptop, and Mark was working on a video at his desk. Jack was nowhere to be found; Surely he would have been able to stop the tension somehow.

“You’re not here to babysit my dog, you’re here to edit,” Mark snapped at Matt, who only darted eyes at me.

“Can you calm down?” I said, my insides shaking. “He’s just trying to help.”

“But he’s not!” Mark argued, which sent a gross feeling down my spine. “He shouldn’t even be here, he should be downstairs doing what I told him to do!”

I sighed and rolled my eyes as I stood up from the bed. “Alright then, I’ll take Chica outside, you can calm down, and Matt can-”

“Quit,” he spoke under his breath.

Mark and I turned to him, surprised. I would have been less surprised if he had spilled about my medication. But this?

“You’re not gonna quit,” Mark said, standing up from his desk, almost like he was challenging Matt.

“I will if you keep screaming at me over stupid shit,” he replied, standing his ground.

“That’s bullshit!” Mark’s voice went up in volume, which made me jump. “That is bullshit! You’re not gonna quit on me!”

“You’re screaming right now,” I said.

“This doesn’t involve you, Bella!”

I jumped again, and Chica barked. I could physically feel the anxiety rise.

“You’re even scaring your own girlfriend, doesn’t that bother you?” Matt shot at him.

Mark said something back, but I couldn’t hear it. I only felt the softness of Chica’s head rubbing against my leg, and that gave me the sign to leave the room. I couldn’t hear Matt or Mark say anything to me, not that I would have listened anyway.

I was led outside, where Chica was supposed to go. Conveniently, that’s where Jack and Ryan were. I sat down on the step, still feeling very zoned out and disconnected. One of them probably called my name, but I didn’t respond. Everything felt so foggy and far away, like I was being ripped away from reality.

At one point, I felt Jack sit down next to me. I felt his hand on my back, but I didn’t give any physical response. I could only hear my heart pounding in my ears, and I could only feel a tingling sensation in my hands. I couldn’t even feel if I was crying or breathing at all. It was such a bizarre state of mind.

“Bella,” he called. “Bellers? Bella? Baller?”

_Yeah. Yes, I’m here._

“Chica! Chica, come here!”

_Good idea. Dogs are helpful. Calming._

I exhaled when I felt her soft head in my lap. I blinked a few times, realizing that I was still outside sitting on the step. Ryan was nowhere to be seen, but Jack was still with me. My hand went to the top of Chica’s head, scratching absentmindedly as I tried to come back to my body.

“What the fuck?” I asked softly.

“Feeling okay?” Jack replied, sounding relieved that I hadn’t lost the ability to talk.

“Yeah,” I said, leaning down to embrace Chica for comfort. “What happened?”

“You, uh, went somewhere else for a bit. I’m guessing all the yelling and anger gave you anxiety?”

An uncomfortable shudder went down my spine. I could still hear Mark’s harsh words ringing in my ears, and it made me want to be sick.

“Uh, Ryan went inside to talk to them,” Jack continued, “so far, it doesn’t seem like anything’s getting better.”

I sighed and sat back up. “I need to go home. I don’t wanna be around all of this crap.”

“Okay. Do you need me to go with you?”

Too much thinking. “If you want.”

“I'll go with you.”

We stood up and went back inside. The loud voices of Mark, Matt, and Ryan could still be heard upstairs. I couldn't handle them anymore, I didn't care if Mark found out about my meds. There was a reason why I was on them. But now that I wasn't, I had to take initiative to care for myself.

I grabbed my keys from the hook by the door. However, before Jack and I could sneak out of the house, the three musketeers came storming down the stairs.

“You can't just leave!” snapped Mark, who was still at an all time high. “What happened to being a team?”

“Oh, don't throw that shit at us!” Ryan practically yelled. “You're the one who went batshit crazy out of nowhere! You're the one who stopped caring!”

That caused all three of them to argue over one another very loudly. I was suddenly caught between staying here to tear them off each other and running back to my apartment. Staying or leaving. Fight or flight.

“Come on,” Jack told me as he opened the door. “Let's go.”

He practically pushed me out the door before I could say anything. From there, I basically sped over to the car and climbed into the driver’s side. Jack asked me if I was okay to drive, and I nodded rapidly before starting the engine.

“How the hell did this happen?” I wondered, trying to come down from everything.

“No idea,” Jack replied. “It’s like one minute everything was fine, and the next it all came crashing down. What was Mark even mad about?”

“Small, stupid things,” I said. “It was literally nothing worth yelling about. I just hope they work it out.”


	12. Week 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "An epilogue before we're done."

_ “Give me love like her’s, ‘cause lately I’ve been waking up alone _

_ Paint splattered teardrops on my shirt _

_ Told you I’d let them go” _

 

I’d love this song less if I didn’t relate to it so much, or if I wasn’t singing it with Mark. We were finally practicing to sing for my channel. Our voices blended well together, and it made me happy that we could connect over this. Just when I thought things were going to fall apart, he came around and did this for me.

 

Mark was sat next to me as I played the piano. Jack sat across from us, listening and waiting to give us an opinion. Things finally felt okay between the three of us, which I was grateful for.

 

_ “Give a little time to me, or burn this out _

_ We’ll play hide and seek to turn this around _

_ All I want is the taste that your lips allow _

_ My my, my my, give me love” _

 

Despite the angst and gloom the lyrics brought on, I found myself fighting off a smile. I broke it out when we finished the song. I looked at Mark, who turned to me with uncertainty.

 

“Are you sure that sounded okay?” he asked.

 

“You guys sounded amazing,” Jack reassured. “There’s chemistry there.”

 

“We need to film it,” I said to Mark, nudging his arm.

 

He hesitated, running his hand through his bright red hair (that I dyed a few weeks prior - never mentioned that, did I?) “Let’s just work on it some more.”

 

He would always say that, but I was patient. I understood the nerves all too well.

 

“People are still talking about your last cover, Baller,” Jack told me. “Maybe it is better to wait a little bit?”

 

“What? ‘Stone Cold?’” I asked. “Really?”

 

“Well, can you blame ‘em?” Mark replied. “That one was… incredible.” He placed his hand on the small of my back, playing with the ends of my hair. “You ever gonna dye your hair a different color?”

 

I twiddled another piece of my hair, looking down at the vibrant pink ends. “No. Why? Does it look bad?”

 

“No, of course not,” Mark reassured. “I’m just wondering how you’d look with other colors like, uh… blue… or blonde.”

 

“Hmm… I like pink,” I told him before leaning in and kissing his cheek. “We’re pink, red, and green. That’s a decent color scheme right?” It was meant to be sarcastic, until-

 

“It’s the best color scheme,” Jack said.

 

I smiled wide, although my heart began to ache a little bit. Jack was going to be leaving in a week’s time. I was going to miss him, I couldn’t even deny it. The worst part was that because YTU was shutting down, there wasn’t really a guarantee he would move back here. Jack had claimed before how much he disliked Los Angeles, and how excited he was to go back to Ireland. Sure, I would see him at Vidcon, but there was no certainty that we would actually be able to hang out.

 

Typically, I leave friends behind because I assume they don’t want to talk to me anymore once they don’t have to. This time, I was dreading it. This time, I didn’t want that to happen. I didn’t want to leave Jack behind.

 

“I should be getting back,” Mark said as he stood from the couch, “to my  _ wonderful  _ editor.”

 

He had managed to work things out with Matt and Ryan for the time being. Last I heard, they were going to move out of Mark’s house, but they would still work with him. No one knew how long more they would be around. While Mark was frustrated with them, I could tell he didn’t want them to go. He didn’t want them to move, much less quit, and it was slowly killing him. But Mark was also a man of pride and stubbornness, so he wouldn’t admit to that anytime soon.

 

“I’m sure Matt’s trying as hard as he can,” I told him, remembering the promise that I made.

 

“If you were around him twenty-four seven you’d understand,” he replied. “And Ryan’s not any better.

 

“Just give it some time,” Jack told him. “Maybe with them living somewhere else will help. You probably just need a break from each other.”

 

“Yeah, but besides that. There’s a bunch of shit we gotta get done.”

 

“Just try to keep your cool,” I told him, squeezing his hand. “I know things are stressful, but try not to take it out on them. Remember they’re your friends, not just your employees.”

 

Mark nodded and sighed. “Okay. I’ll let you know how it goes.”

 

With that, he kissed me goodbye and was out the door. I switched off my keyboard and carried it back to my room. When I came back, I noticed Jack looking at me. My hand immediately went to my face, wondering if I had developed a giant zit in the last hour.

 

_ “¿Algo en que te puedo ayudar?”  _ I asked, despite the small rush of paranoia I felt.

 

He cracked a smile. “Come again?”

 

“Something I can help you with?”

 

“Oh. Uh… I was just wondering if, uh, Mark has treated you the way he’s been treating Matt and Ryan?” Jack’s tone was more serious than I had anticipated.

 

“No,” I replied, shaking my head.

 

“Would you tell me if he did?”

 

I hesitated. “I, I think you’d be able to tell if he yelled at me for no reason.”

 

“Well, I don’t disagree,” Jack said, “I just want you to know, if he steps out of line, know that you can call me, and I’ll kick his ass from across the globe.”

 

Would he? That was unexpected, especially since this friendship wasn’t going to make it from across the globe. Or… was I just paranoid like always?

 

“Really?” I tilted my head to the side.

 

“You sound really surprised by that.”

 

Time to explain myself through word fumbling.

 

“It’s j-just… you were friends with Mark before I came along. I, uh, I-I didn’t think... “

 

“You’re my friend too, Baller,” Jack told me, stepping towards me. “And, y’know we’ve lived together for the past few months and we went to school together. We’ve had time to get to know each other.” He paused, and his eye contact was almost suffocating. What was happening? “I can’t imagine how hard it is for you to open up to someone and trust them, so I’m honored that you’ve done that with me. I just want you to know that you’ve always got someone to talk to, no matter the distance.”

 

My eyes were on the floor. I was silent, my emotions doing things they hadn’t done in a long time. I tried to link these things to any other similar situation, but the last time I remembered this feeling was when I was in high school. Seventeen, surrounded by nice people at a lunch table. The next time, I was twenty and was surrounded by my now ex-girlfriend’s kind friends. Then, I was twenty three, sitting at The Tube, mildly tipsy.

 

“Bella?” Jack asked softly. “Did I say something wrong?”

 

“No,” I answered. “I just… I haven’t had a friend in a long time. I mean, I have Mark. But he’s my boyfriend. Or, now he’s an angry version of my boyfriend.” It was starting to make more sense as I said it out loud. “I mean… I love you… both of you. Jack, I love you to pieces. But not like I want to date you or kiss you or marry you. I love you like… you’re the person I can go to when even my boyfriend is too much, because he is a lot to handle right now. I mean, look who’s talking, a girl with panic disorder, depression, and probably some personality disorder as well. But still. You understand that, and you accept that… and I’m still wondering how you’re not tired of me.”

 

“It’s like I said, you’re my friend,” Jack repeated. “I can’t get tired of my friend.”

 

“You… You’ve given me some type of hope. That, even if things go wrong… it’ll be okay.” That was even weirder to say. “I’m not used to this feeling.”

 

He smiled. “You should get used to it then. And it’s true. If shit hits the fan, you will survive. And if you need someone to remind you of that, you know where to reach me.”

 

It wasn’t the same as having him here in my apartment. I couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to have the place empty of his presence. I couldn’t imagine what his room would look like after he was gone. Yes, I had Mark, but I wouldn’t have my… best friend.

 

Is this what a best friend is? A person you can count on to be your pick-me-up, your partner in crime, the first person you want to tell all your good or bad news to. Your shoulder to cry on when it all goes to shit. A person who is better family than the ones who gave you life… Is this what it’s like? Is it supposed to hurt when they leave?

 

“You know we’ll see each other again,” Jack reassured. “Don’t think this is over just because I’m going back to Ireland.”

 

That’s what I needed to hear. If it was anyone else, I wouldn’t have believed them. But I’ve learned to trust Jack over time, and I’ve learned to love him.

 

~

 

If there was anything I loved about music, it was finding more than one meaning in a song. A love song doesn’t necessarily mean you have to immediately think romantic love. Doesn’t mean you have to dedicate it to the person you’re crushing on or dating. If there’s anything I learned in these last few months, it’s that platonic love is just as important as romantic love.

 

Friends are for life. Your true friends are the ones that remain constant in your ever changing life. They help make things less scary. They help you bring out your best self. They might point out something in you that you didn’t see before. You may be apart by distance, but not by the heart.

 

_ ~ _

 

_ One last ditch, a new beginning _

_ So take this heart, put yourself in it _

_ The surprise ending I’m depending on _

_ Could be the story of another us _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to every fricking person who has read this story. Even if none of you said anything about it, I know that there's people reading, and that makes me happy. I got a little teary eyed writing this last chapter, and that's mainly because I was thinking about my feelings towards Jack, and I realized that that is how I see him. He is my friend, and I love him to bits. Anyway, there's gonna be two more stories following this one, so stay tuned!


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